Love Notes

♫Ayden's P.O.V♫

    Wind ran it's fingers through my dark hair, making it more of a mess that it already was. But I didn't care, not about anything. What did matter anymore? I had no clue. What was the purpose of life? Again, I had nothing. A tsunami of emotion rolled over me, and I fought the urge to throw my guitar on the pavement, leaving it for the taxi wheels to crush. But, that would have been real stupid considering my only source of money was through the piece of wood on my back. I expelled a sigh, and, as I felt the first tears prick my eyes, I headed down the steps into the dark setting of the subway. It was a lesser populated one,  and I hated crying. In public, it was thirty times worse.

    Settling down on the frigid, unkempt concrete, I shifted to yank the folded yellow paper from my back pocket, which curled in on it's own anymore thanks to months of having it pressed down by books. The words were sad, the writing messy, so unlike her usual style, and the whole thing was utterly heart-wrenching. And yet, I couldn't help but looking at them. I read the words I'd memorized over yet again, for the umpteenth time.  Each word of the looping script was like a stab to my heart.

I'm not sorry for wanting to die. I've lived enough of this cruel life

and I can't handle it anymore. I love you, though. And for that I am

sorry. I should have never given you my heart when I knew I would

steal it right back. So tonight, as the moon shines it's cool light over

me, I'm leaving you, forever. I should've said goodbye in person, but

would have been worse for the both of us. So, I'll let you know

that I've always wanted death. And every word I've ever uttered was a lie.

                    I'm not sorry Ayden,  

                               Cassidy

    The words punched a hole through my heart, and I find it hard to believe that I never knew her. She was my first everything, and I loved her. And I thought she loved me too. I tucked myself into a little ball, head resting against my knees, and my bare arms wrapped around them. Tears ripped from my eyes, and then an animalistic howl surged through my body. I screamed in agony, sobs wracking my body, and I didn't care that I was in the subway, wild and vivacious New Yorkers staring after me. My heart had been shattered, and there was no-one around to pick up the millions of pieces.

    After my episode and about ten people asking if I was alright, I managed to quiet to my anguish. But my heart was still jagged in my chest, threatening to tear me apart from the inside out. It didn't matter that it has been nearly a year since her note, since her knife, since her death, but grief, especially the grief of a loved one, never truly goes away. It's always there, and it will attack you when you least expect it.

    Now, standing on a crowded street, guitar held between my careful hands, I let the notes say everything I couldn't. It was a sad, slow, and outright depressing song, the chords long and low, like the wails of a dead man's widow. But it was very fitting, all the same. It told of my heartache, and my sorrow. My crushed dreams, and lost hopes. It told my story, but you had to listen to be able to piece it all together.

    A young girl, maybe about seventeen, wondered up the street, dark hair tucked under an old baseball cap. She had a cute face, I noticed, but she was just another girl in the crowd. She was wearing a rolled up flannel, mid-thigh shorts, and combat boots that she'd had to have for years--they were scuffed and worn. And, she was on the arm of tall, messy haired guy. I adverted my eyes, focusing my gaze on my fingers moving steadily over the strings.

   I could feel her gaze on me, light as a feather, yet demanding. I was never one to disappoint, so I aimed my eyes upwards, catching her dark ones with my blue ones. But her boy toy yanked her the other way, and, after giving him an icy glare, she followed, though she was moving significantly less fast. I smirked, and strummed the last few cords, which, to my surprise, were actually a bit lighter than the first.

                                                           ♭♮♯

    I settled down on the couch in my dingy little apartment, legs propped up in the same jeans I'd been wearing all week. It was hard not having a job, but, honestly, I wasn't trying to find one either. Since I was fired from Between Pages, a cramped bookstore that paid great, I'd been living off what I made on the street. It was Cassidy's favorite place, and I just couldn't deal after she... died. I stopped going, unable to cope. Needless to say, I was fired by next week.

    I didn't care, though, I didn't care about anything after Cassidy went and offed herself. I was--and still am--a dark and lonely void, useless to the world, and survival was out of the question. I nearly lost my apartment, but, thankfully, before my parents disowned my "sorry-useless-son-of-a-gun self", they set me aside nearly 10,000 dollars. I refuse to touch the money, and only use it when I'm paying the bills. But food, clothes, and everything else comes from what I can salvage on the streets.

    Speaking of streets... I kept seeing that girl. Even now, eyes closed, head resting underneath a pillow that smelled like cat, I could see her long hair, flowing down her back. I could gaze into her endless chocolaty orbs. I can see her smile, and her scowl. I can see her. And that alone made me smile.

    I probably sound like a creepy stalker, thinking of this girl. I don't know her name, her age, her anything. Except that she is a beauty, and her soul is a wanderer. I could tell. I couldn't help but hope that I would be able to see her again. My heart beat just a bit faster when I thought of her long tan legs, clad in her dark denim shorts.  

    Why couldn't I get her out of my head? I wasn't supposed to love again; not ever. I lost my true love... hadn't I? Cassidy was my love, and I was supposed to be a depressed hermit. But every time I shut my eyes, she was all I could see.

    Groaning, I rolled over onto my stomach, wondering if--and when--I could see my brown eyed beauty again. With her smile in my head, I slowly drifted into oblivion...