Futile Cries for a Superhero

Friday, 18. 05. 2018

Friday, 18. 05. 18

Today was a triple English lesson. Every second Friday (according to our school timetable) we have three lessons of English in one day.

My teacher uses this Friday as a break away. She teaches us important life lessons or exposes us to something mature in the field of English to enrich us.

I love these Friday's. 

And today was one of them.

She spoke about our mistakes and not being able to go back and change things but realising that they're only based on what we perceive as perfection.

She explained how the perfect life consists of you being able to balance things, and um, I don't know. Just the kind of life one aspires to embrace.

She said that our mistakes change the scales of balance and that's why we're afraid to make them because of the negative effect it has and because once a mistake is made, there is something not going in order. She said that the above perfect life consists of Balance, Order and something I cannot remember. 

Why is my memory so bad? *insert picture of weed*

Anyways, she made a slideshow showing all the idols we look up to and explained that they only got to where they were and are only as great as they are, because they weren't afraid to make mistakes and then approach things differently.

She explained that yes we will regret things, but we can't go back and try and be who we were before the mistake happened. She explained how we alter and encouraged us to embrace the mistakes people make around us because it's a learning curve. 

She then gave us a folded paper and asked everyone to unfold it and it was small bits of a photo.

Basically everyone in the class had a piece to a puzzle and we all had to communicate and work together to combine our papers together to form the desired picture.

At one point, the whole class was working on one piece.

It made me realise how insignificant and irrelevant our tiny piece is in the bigger scheme of things are. I got a bird's eye view of the puzzle and even forgot which piece of the puzzle belonged to me because next to everyone else's, it was just another piece.

Insignificant. Irrelevant. But present and effective.

She explained that we needed other people to complete the puzzle of life and that we can't go about doing every single thing on our own because we cannot see the final product yet, but those around us work towards it together.

It made me realise that everything I do is in fact not for me, but for everyone else. I live my life so that they can life theirs' properly, because I do somehow affect others.

I seem small in the world of 7 billion people, but something is happening somewhere because of my being.

My life isn't balanced or organised because I am an incompetent living being. I can't live properly but I do it nonetheless because no one knows how to live.

You just kinda breathe and try and find a way which seems righteous to you and beneficial to others.

Ubuntu : I am because you are.

Yeah.

Then um, I got home and talked to my internet friends.

A guy I spoke to once about politics messaged me after finding my profile again after deleting the app. We spoke friendly and then he said "you're still as beautiful."

God. Did. My. Heart. Stop.

He's not a personal friend, I don't know him well at all or anything but he said the words so silklike, it caught me off guard.

Using hellopal, sponsor me please, I've met a lot of perverts and fuckboys of course. I've been called a number of remarks but it really hits me when someone genuinely takes a moment to tell me what they think of me.

I have a low ass self esteem and zero confidence and believe everyone is bullshitting me when they compliment me.

I feel they lie to me or fake what they think to me verbally, of course I guess it's not all fake, but when you feel so ugly it's hard to see what someone perceives as beauty; yourself.