The Rants of A Mentally Numb Teen

Self Loathing

"What's the hardest thing you've ever had to do?" He asked.
"I don't know."
I was lying. We both knew I was. He could see the flood building up in my eyes as I unconsciously looked away. He caught me at my vulnerability and I couldn't help but hate him for that.
"Do you not know or do you not want to tell me?" He implied.
"Drop it. I said I didn't know."
He sighed with frustration. Not only did his question trigger unwanted emotions I've been sealing inside, but it also caused the silence he was trying to break grow more.
"I just don't get YOU! How are we supposed to work this out? I thought we were a team. Teams work TOGETHER, A. I can't be a part of yours if you won't co-operate. Do you not love me anymore? Was it something I did?" 
I wish it was something he did. I wish it was him to blame. I wish it was his fault, but it wasn't. If he only knew how much I loved him. If only he knew the miles I would go for him. If he only knew what I'm willing to give up to make him happy. I tried to keep myself together. I didn't want to be hysterical. He wanted to know the hardest thing I've ever had to do... and it was this.
"You know, I never told you this. I think it's about time I did. Every day, I wake myself up and struggle to get out of bed. Every day, I avoid looking in the mirror simply because I hate my reflection. Every day, I try to convince myself that I am fucking worth it, but I fail every fucking time." I heard my voice crack before tears started rolling down my cheeks but I impulsively went on, "then you came into my life and even though I was convinced that I would never see the horizon again, you managed to prove to me otherwise. You eased the pain. You made me feel whole again. You enlightened parts of me that I didn't know existed... but one thing you couldn't do and will never be able to do is heal me. I'm broken and I have grown to resent myself. I can't drag you into my mess. You're too good for me and I can't help but cry because I'm not good enough for yo-"
"Don't say that!" He retorted.
"I'M NOT. You don't know how I feel or think. You don't know how much I break my own heart. I can't afford being the reason I break yours as well. I can't ask you to love me .. when I don't even love myself."
Apart from trying to love myself, leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.