I Wanna Love You Forever

CHAPTER 12: Bleeding Love

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Bleeding Love

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My time stopped. Everything just went off. That’s how things seem to me as I repeatedly read the message with my eyes. I go over it over and over again. It isn’t changing. And I’m not dreaming. Still, I can’t stop going over it again. I really am not dreaming. I can feel tears stuck behind my eyes, wanting to come out but couldn’t. My heart just feels so heavy, and I’m starting to freeze.

“Let’s just be friends Nyannyan…”

My breathing is normal but my heart is going crazy. I stare at the message like a statue, mind blanked, and stunned. How many minutes has it been since I opened to read it? Has it already been an hour? With my stiffening cold fingertips, I finally come to my senses to scroll it down.

“I’ve been thinking about it for days and I think it would be for the best.”

I shouldn’t have opened this. I talk to myself full of blame over something I know is too late. I could only bite my lips as I try to find the best words to reply. She’s waiting, I just can feel it.  But I don’t know what to say. How the hell does she expect me to answer this?!

Then my phone rang with her number displayed on the screen. My brows frowned over her name and the picture that displays her face. Does she really expect me to answer this call? I released a big breath hurled inside me. Fuck it. I pushed that answer button but uttered no word. I hear her breath from the other side.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was low and cracking. “I don’t want to-“

“One thing though.” I interrupted shaking. I already know that line. It’s said in every break-up scenes ever since who-knows-when? No one wants to hurt someone, but it can’t be helped. Someone’s gonna get hurt either way. And I’m already hurt as it is. “Tell me you weren’t just playing around when you said you want us... to be together.”

She paused for a while, words exchanged with silence. “I wasn’t.” it was short and under a very serious note. "I meant it."

I inhaled long and deep, released it the same way; slow and shaky. “Okay.” I smiled at myself on how stupid I was.

“I’m sorry. I-“

“It’s okay. That’s all I wanted to know.” I continued interrupting like I don’t want to hear her voice. Though it’s the other way around, I don’t want to hear anything that would keep me from holding myself. Not right now.

“Nyannyan…”

“Hmm?”

“We’re still… friends.” She murmured. “Right?”

“Of course.” I replied with a smile. There wasn’t any sign of relief from her end nor any hints of what she’s feeling. I hate it. “However,…” she hummed casually at me. “…you owe me a punch.”

She laughed hard and hummed. Somehow, it got the mood lighter. “Okay. I deserve one.”

“You really are an idiot.” I continued on a light silly laugh. It was funny but at the same time heavy.

My feelings are all mixed up inside. Everything is all there. I know I’m in pain, and my anger is building up as well. I was mad at her, at the situation that I’m in, and to myself for letting this happen. I am mad that I am confused and I can’t shake off the feeling no matter how many times I try to calm myself. I am mad because I have these cursing words are all bottled up in my head and all my mouth pronounces are words that I don’t have an idea how real. I know I’m not okay. I know I’m not. Even though I wanna tell her how much everything hurts, I just can’t seem to bring it.