The Circus Tent

The leaves crunched under my feet and I could see my white, icy breath in the air. My heart was racing as I could hear the loud crunching of the footsteps behind me. My mind was everywhere but the only 4 words I could hear were they're getting closer. My legs ached and I almost collapsed, but I knew that in just a few more steps I had a home, a Sanctuary. As I neared the tent, I was so close, I could feel the warmth on my cold hands. The light was within reach, but I felt a rough hand slam into my shoulder.

Everything went black. When I opened my eyes I was wearing a hospital gown. All I could see was a blaring light and a big white wall to my side. Where did the tent go? Where was the sanctuary I had worked so hard to find? My leg itched so I tried to reach down to scratch it, but someone was refraining me from moving. I looked down at my hands. 2 black straps bound my hands to the table I was laying on.

Frustrations filled within me. Where was I? Where had the forest gone. Just as I was about to let out a cry for help a women came running in. It looked like she had been crying due to the giant red ring around her eyes. She dropped to her knees and wept. Angrily I yelled out begging to know who she was and why was she here. Was she the one who trapped me and snatched me away from the light I had fought so hard to get to? As questions flurried through my head she let out three words that only one person would say. "My Natalie bell", she whispered through her sobs. She was my mother.

"Natalie it's me, your mother", she gasped between her sobs.

"Why are you crying?", I managed to get to come from my lips.

"They thought you'd never...", she stopped herself.

"Never wake up?" I said giving her evil looks.

"Natalie, what's wrong?", she whimpered.

Memories where starting to flood back into my head. I know why I'm in the hospital now. 62, the number of pain pills I swallowed. I counted ever single pill and I did it because I was embracing the fact I was going to die. I wanted to leave everything behind.

"I wanted to die.", I whispered.

"If you want me to hear you have to speak up.", she growled in an aggravated voice.

" I wanted to die!", I screamed.

Tears streamed down her face. "I'm sorry you felt that way."

"I love you.", she whispered as she walked away.

Minutes after she left doctors came flooding in. They where whispering things like, "she can't be alive!" and "this is a miracle!" When all this time I just wanted to escape. I wanted to run to the welcome and warmth of my circus tent.

The doctors made me stay bound up in my hospital room for another week. Yesterday the cheeky little nurse came in. "Are you ready to start over?!", she exclaimed.

"Ready to get out of this living heck.", I sighed.

She gave me a startled look and scurried out the door. She must've told my mother, because the second she came in the room was filled with scolds. She was just trying to help, and you are gonna have to brighten up all words I never want to hear again. We checked out of heck and got in the car.

On the way home I had to listen to what seemed to be years of happy little talk about family and friends who were so happy to see me. Where were these people when I was considering suicide? Oh yeah, the were busy thinking I was a nut job. I gave a small smile to shut her up. "Now that's the spirit.", she exclaimed.

I know now that the hospital was the least of my troubles. The car arrived at what was apparently "home", but it was not the safe,warm circus tent I'd come to love.