The most painful part of this is knowing you would have loved who I used to be. I was all smiles all the time. I had a contentment in my vulnerability. I had confidence in the strides I took. I had acceptance for my feelings and the courage to share them. I was outgoing and spontaneous. I didn't wear a mask to hide my struggles or successes. I was bare and exposed to the world and completely okay with it. You would have loved her...
Today, I am still that girl somewhere deep inside... Covered in scars, hidden behind walls and safe behind bars. Been beaten, betrayed and broken, so I put her away. I had something good going. I was the smiley and peppy girl every guy is attracted to. I could hide the damage underneath a wide smile and perky hello. I have mastered the art of almost becoming someone else. No one notices, truth to be told sometimes I believe my own act. Of course people break and hurt and people see it. I have come up with a balance of showing emotion. Just enough for people to think I am showing my pain and not ask questions.
With you it's different. It's either all or nothing. It's either a grand show or curtains closed, act over and it's genuinely me. You look at me like I am as transparent as glass. It's as though you can look straight into my heart and that terrifies me. It gets my blood pumping faster, my hear racing, my head feeling faint and weak in the knees. I feel seen. I feel acknowledged. I dare not say I feel accepting though.
The regret I have is that now you've seen a dark, deep and humiliating part of me. I am afraid that's all you see. You don't see the girl that can dance with her friends at the party, be wild and crazy on vacation with her friends. Laugh hysterically until it hurts or crack the jokes that send everyone into a fit of laughter. You see the cracks of my character. You see the fears that every day I have to push to the back of my mind. You hear about the struggles at home or in my heart. You see a wounded and weak girl. You look at me and see someone who is broken. You don't see the girl that carries her friends when they fall, the one who sometimes has to make the hard decision. The girl who will speak up for herself and defend her family, friends or herself if need be with outspoken bravery. To you this girl is a mystery.
Let me be totally candid when I tell you I wish you saw it all. I wish you saw the good and the bad and knew me fully. There is a slight part of me that feels alright and safe when you hold me close and tell me it's going to be okay. Not that it is right now but simply that it will be. You let me open up like a book, you let me go on with my fears rational or not and you pull me back to somewhere stable. The crazy thing is that in that moment, when I feel the calming, steady beat of your heart and your arms holding me close I actually believe you. When I pull back physically thinking that will pull me back emotionally, it doesn't. The second my eyes meet yours, I go somewhere else when you look at me. I go to a place where the lighting dims, everything but you gets blurry, sounds get muffled and I am fully present.
If I could go back and change how you knew me I would. I would let you see me smile more, hear me laugh, watch me care less and know me for the good times not the struggles. I'd have you see me like you see her. I use to be like her.
Maybe then, just maybe, you could see me like I see you.
You would have loved me when I was her
