And Here's To Nowhere (Remastered)

Chapter 1: Death

    Blue and green visual masterpieces stood before Andy, folding and flashing in what I can only describe as indescribable. He was lifted up through this where blurry images flew passed him, until one scene became more apparent, he zoomed into in and fields of bright green beautiful grass and wondrous blue skies, a hot day was cooled down by the nice breeze. Andy opened his eyes and standing in front of him looked a bored young man.
    "You died!" He said with hardly any emotion, "What a fucking shame."
    "Sorry what??" Andy asked.
    "My names Gabriel, and you're dead."
    "But I don't remember anything!"
    "Just go over that hill, you'll see either a white door or a black door, we're not racist, it's just a design choice."
    "Wait, I'm dead?"
    "Yes."
    "And this is the after life??"
    "Yes!"
    "And you're an angel?"
    "Yes!!"
    "You're names Gabriel?"
    "YES!! JUST FOCK OFF OVER THAT HILL WILL YA!"
    "Jeez, can you be a little nicer, this is a lot to put on a man."
    "DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE YOU LIFE MATTERS IN THE GRAND SCEAM OF THINGS? FOCK ALL!"
    "I'll just leave..."
    "Yea that's right, Fock off back to your after life! Have fun ya cunt!"

    Andy walked through the tall curved path over the hill and didn't look back, over on the other side of this hill stood two really fucking tall doors, a white door and a black door. Andy stumbled down the mountain and the two doors opened. In the white door, stood a man in robes and a huge ass white beard, he had his hand out smiling at Andy. In the black door leant a tall dark man, crossing his legs and smoking a splif, he took it out and smirked at Andy, evilly.
    Andy stood there looking at the two thinking how the stereotype of God and the Devil was real.

    "So where do I go?" Andy asked.
    The two slowly leant through their door and turned to look at each other.
    "What are you doing here?" The Devil shouted in his loud croaky threatening voice.
    "Well I'm here to take Andy to heaven." God said in his half gay voice.
    "What?!! Andy's going to hell!"
    "To be fair," Andy interrupted, "I would prefer to heaven."
    "WELL TOO BAD SON!" The Devil shouted.
    "Why should he go to hell!?" God shouted, "All he's done is rob a bank, highjack a few dozen cars and kill a man in cold blood."
    Lucifer looked at him as if he were fucking stupid and said, "You're fucking stupid!"

"So where should I go?" Andy asked.
"YOU CUNT HE'S THE BIGGEST DICK HEAD I'VE EVER SEEN!"
"HE'S NOT DONE ANYTHING THAT BAD!"
"WHAT?!!"
"DO YOU KNOW THE TYPE OF PEOPLE WHO GO TO HELL? HITLER! AND THE IDIOT WHO BLEW UP THE WORLD TRADE CENTRE!"
"And he laughed at a picture of Steven Hawkins!"
"Oww, never the less, he's not that bad of a person!"
"Oh you dick head!" The Devil said as he stepped out of his door."
"What are you doing?"
"LET'S FIGHT!"
"You're on bitch!" God shouted.

    God rolled up his sleeves and walked towards The Devil. "Cum at me bitch!"
    "You're not your arse wholeness!"
    The Devil threw a punch at God and sent him stumbling.
    God grabbed The Devils shoulders, pulled him down and kneed him in the stomach.
    The Devil took his door and swung it around. It smacked God in the side of the head and shattered. Another door created itself in its place.
    God reached into his big ass beard and pulled out a knife.
    Andy sat on the floor looking at them fighting like pussies.
    God dived at The Devil who leapt to the side as God went past him and The Devil tripped him up.
    "So come to hell." He said to Andy.
    "Do I have to?"
    "Yes!" The Devil shouted as God kicked him in his shin.
    "No my child! Come to heaven."
    "Why do you want me so much?"
    "Well, it's a numbers game." The Devil said.
    "It's because we're both so close to fourfinitythousand!"
    "Is that even a number?"
    "You better believe it!" God laughed as The Devil elbowed him in the head.
    "You twat!"
    "Focking come at me!"
    God pulled out a gun and The Devil looked scared.
    "Don't."
    "I will!"
    God punched The Devil in the nose and he was sent flying over a hill. God then jumped after him.

    Andy sat on that hill for a while, about an hour. Waiting for them to come back, but they didn't... what non?
    Andy walked over the hill and shouted to Gabriel.
    "Gabe!" He shouted and He turned around. "They can't decide!"
    Gabe just looked at him from a distance and clapped.
    "You don't like me do you?"
    And gabe flipped him off.