About Hope and other things

Second Obsession

21 September 2015. 

That was when it all began. I met him. At first, I thought he was a traditional fuck boy. I sent him on his way after the first conversation, however he insisted to still meet. So far, so good. Him cute and all, me not available for anything less than dating that would eventually go towards a relationship. 

Five hours of conversation in a car starting at 12:30 AM were followed by what soon became "my second obsession."  You will find out about the first obsession in a later chapter. Funny enough, I did not remember much of his looks, but I remembered the smell, the very slight touches, the fun and the feelings. Feelings meaning an electrical... something, going on in that tiny place that is a car. And then he left. 

Four months later I visited his hometown, in a different country. He didn't meet me. Between family issues with two sick members, a new business and the family one to take care of at 26 years old and with no experience, I pretended I understood. I never did. I never forgot and definitely never forgave. Deleting his number, I hoped to find my peace. Months went by, my mind still occasionally flying to him.

Another four months later - you will find out that this is my emotional path. Every four months I seem to act idiot - I texted him. Not only a text, but my feelings through a text. A whole novel about how I never forgot that moment. I got a response along the lines of "This should be ended with a kiss. When are you coming back here?" I promised I will go for him and I will let him know when I go. Something weird happened between that May and July. I was not an emotional wreck anymore, I was actually almost smitten with a man I've met online. Coincidence or not, they were living in the same town. 

Therefore, in two months and a half I was flying there and meeting someone else. Nevertheless, I did call him. I wanted to meet him. Partially my emotions towards him were not changed. But I was happy I finally met a man who was fully involved in what we had and it was going to last - or so I thought. Hence, we've met. And I told him the truth. "I am someone's girlfriend and I cannot spend more time with you." I felt a slight change in his behaviour but I was never sure if he was actually hit by the information or he still didn't care at all. He made me aware of the fact that even having feelings for someone else other than my boyfriend - meaning him - means cheating. I agreed and kissed him. If I were asked why, I couldn't answer. So I left. 

A night after, I was crying my eyes out for him. Maybe I ralised I lost a chance I have been waiting for almost a year... I am not even sure why I was crying. I left again and broke up almost a month after. It has been 10 months since then and I am again back in square one. One man on my mind, a man who barely answers to me and whom I might never see again. I kept going to his town and seeing him from far away. When I tell him, he keeps asking why I do that, why I go there and not tell him, why I prefer to just watch him for a few minutes and then leave.

I have no idea. I guess I fear rejection. Or I am just not brave enough to say whatever the hell I am feeling in person. Last time we talked he asked if I am happy with showing my independence like this, if it makes me happier seeing him from far away. The answer is clearly no and I promised I will go just for him as soon as I can. Do not even ask why I have to be the one going. These are the perks of "feelings" being one sided. I have no idea if he is so insensitive but at least he is not lying. He never promised me a happy ending, he only asked for time together in which both of us to decide. I never gave it and he never took it. Now I am making endless pro's and con's lists, one of which ended up becoming a love letter. And I ended up sending to him a very small paragraph. I didn't feel him being smittened, not like he was before. So I guess I did lose that part of him. Reason for which, I decided to write whatever I feel on neutral ground. I ended up here.