Ashes of the Past

I ran to my room and automatically turned into a sobbing mess. I allowed the tears I've been keeping for 8 years to finally stream down my face. True, I haven't cried ever since I was 10. I just didn't find the tears in my sadness, I just found envy and grudges in my madness. I slammed the door and locked it. I then dug through the endless piles of clothes till I finally found that paper bag that contained my escape from my reality and soreness. I tore the bag open and opened the vodka bottle that has been there for a while, a really long while.

I took a sip, allowing the sour taste of vodka to burn my throat on its way through it as hot tears burnt through my cheeks and gently fell on my lap like little rain drops.

I took another sip, and another, until I forgot where I was, or what I was doing, why I was mad, and what i was planning to do next. I just allowed the liquor to take over my thoughts and brains. And I drank, I drank and cried till the tears in my eyes dried and the vodka  burnt my throat with its sour taste. This is what I was waiting for all 8 years, to finally have the courage to cry and drink like I didn't care. To cry. To feel weak again, to wash away the pain haunting me in the darkest nights. I walked up, more like stumbled as I walked to my drawer, I started to search randomly through my bras and underpants, until my fingers caught the cold metallic object I haven't used in a couple of years. I went to the bathroom in my room, flicked on the lights with my phone in one hand, and the razor in another.

I put my phone beside the sink and sat in the luxurious bathtub I had in my toilet. I allowed the razor to make direct contact with my hand, letting the blood stream as well as my tears. When I was done bleeding, i grabbed my phone and practically struggled to find my bestfriend Calum's number and dialed it. Shit. Was I that drunk? I pressed the phone to my ear and waited for my sleepy ass of a best friend to finally answer. Stop it Katreena, it's 3 am of course he's asleep. My subconscious reminded me.

"Hello?" Calum's voice answered rather sleepy

"Hi" I hiccuped

"Katreena you bitch it's 3 am why the fuck would you be calling right now?!" He cussed.

Ouch.

"Look", I slurred,"I'm a princess and I need to-"

"Shit Katreena are you drunk? Where are you?" Now he's serious

"At my boyfriend's! Where else?"

"Kat you don't have a boyfriend" he reminded me. Oh right.

"Oh then I'm home" I stated simply.

"Stay right where you are, I'm coming over. Open the back door and wait for me in your room" he ordered. Okay, here comes the bossy ass Calum.

"You know where the back door key is and you have my room's key, feel free to visit me" I smiled. Stupid, he can't see you. I hiccuped again and the line went dead. Wehee an angry Calum is coming over, that's gunna be fun.

I took one last look at my my now bruised hand and washed it, not caring about the smudged mascara covering my face.

I grab my phone and get out of the toilet, walk over to my bed and wait for Calum to finally show up. He isn't going to let it go. I am drunk, I am self harming, AND crying. This gonna be a disaster. I smiled at the rough situation I'm in then directly turned it into a frown after I realised how fucked up my situation is.