This Is Me

-Here We Go-

My name is Courtnei, im a girl with long-wavy brown hair, pale-ish tan skin, brown eyes and glasses.

People can find it easy to go to school but for me, its a battle.  Having social anxiety makes it hard to do the simplest things that everyone else would consider 'easy'.  I take pills daily to help, but yet it stays with me.  Im getting anxiety just typing this story, but i decided to at least try.

I may be the shy, funny, and happy girl you see in class, but really im not happy at all and I try to be funny just to see people's smiles and hear their laugh's.  I'll put my friends feelings before my own, because it's simply that i can't trust myself to actually have them worry about my feelings and know what is my problems.

One more major thing about me is that i have Trust Issues to the max.  I still don't feel like some of my friends and best friends i have now are actually my friends and trust me.  Mostly i don't trust anyone, which makes me feel guilty because all my best friends think i trust them a ton but i only have a little trust and i don't know how to get past that.  Which really makes me feel horrible about myself.

I am a self-harmer and have scars on various places from scissors i used on myself, its a relief from everything.  At that moment i could care less about what im doing to myself, but afterwards i remember the faces of people i am close to and feel guilty, sad, lonely, and frustrated.  Then the process happens all over again straight to the beginning.

Im not a tomboy or a girly girl and i don't like classifying what i am in the fashion category.  Big sweaters, loose t-shirts, band t-shirts, comfortable pants, jeans, boots, and sneakers are my most favorite things to wear.  I don't like tight clothes, it makes me too self conscious and i am already enough anyways.  Sometimes i can wear makeup and dresses but usually its not too fancy plus i don't dress to impress even though that's the 'stereotype' for girls and boys.

Most people might question me because i say im awkward, and that's true cause mainly i don't know how to talk to someone whether online or in person.  Most situations i can't handle and will be awkward.  Im shy at first but i soon become a little open and will relax around you, the number one sign that i do that is; i will let out my inner sarcasm and funniness, also puns because i love them.

I love to listen to music, and often create stories based on a song.  Also, i love reading even thought most don't.  It's like your entering another world when you read, and escape yours just for a few.  It makes me inspired to do the same for others.

This Is Me, My Story With My Scars, That Will Continue On.