All of everything

Anxiety

Everyone at my school, sees me as the "outgoing and creative girl." I believe i'm the exact opposite. I am terrified to talk to other humans, doing the simplest task makes me anxious, and randomly I will start to feel upset and/or like a failure.

usually during inter murals, I sit with my friends or by myself in the corner listening to music. Music has always been there for me. I know that sounds really cheesy, but it's the truth. I listen to different albums for different moods. If I'm happy, I listen to a fever you can't sweat out by panic at the disco. If I'm sad, I listen to self titled by twenty one pilots. If I'm thinking too much about the future, I listen to blue Neighbourhood by Troye Sivan. these are the things that saved my life but that's for the next story.

now the main thing the stories about, is my anxiety. It makes me think about the future so much that I sometimes have panic attacks. None of my friends know that, that's why they see me as a strong young girl. my life doesn't have constance. That basically means, nothing stays the same. My anxiety gets worse when things change a lot because it makes it harder to plan the future and be ready for it. my friends don't understand what I'm going through. My anxiety is silent. You wouldn't even notice a change on the outside but honestly I'm so stressed I can't even manage a simple task. People call me lazy but in reality I'm just overwhelmed with everything that's going on. At my school if people knew that they call me weak. my friends are probably going to read this and say that they were there but they really weren't. They weren't there when I would have panic attacks. they weren't there and I would cry because I couldn't do anything. they weren't there when I needed them the most.

I recently was replaced by my best friend. She's probably never going to see this because she doesn't care anymore. We used to hang out all the time, now she prefers to hang out with anyone other than me. I'm going to go back to school and she's going to be like why haven't we hung out. I'm just going to straight up tell her that I know she doesn't want me around. It just hurts seeing your best friend leave right in front of your eyes.

A good way to represent anxiety is with a Yerkes Dodson curve. it shows the relationship between anxiety and performance. when you have too little of anxiety your performance goes down. When you have the perfect amount of anxiety you are at your best performance because that pushes you to do your best. once you go over the peak, performance starts to go down because you're so stressed about what if you do the wrong thing and how you could mess up any point. I am on the high side most of the time at home. During school it usually eases up whenever it comes to classwork so I could have my best performance level. Whenever it comes to theater shows, I get on the high side right before I go on stage but once I'm on stage, it eases up.

don't bother me if I look sad and have my earbuds in. Usually that represents that I am anxious or ready to have an anxiety attack. If you want to help, don't talk. I have to do is walk up and give me innocent human connection. This could be holding my hand or giving me a hug. If it looks really bad just walk up behind me and just put your arm around my hip or play with my hair. if you try to make me talk it out, it could make it worse. Some of my friends know this, most of them don't.

Ameera Starcher. that girl has always had my back. Sometime she can be a little overdramatic but that's one of the reasons I love her (friend way). she can tell when I'm feeling anxious or when I'm feeling down. It feels great to have a friend like that. I don't know if I have her back the way that she has mine but I really hope I do. Ameera, if you're reading this, thank you. There's also other friends that understand what I'm going through. For example, Tatum, Sophie, Emerson, and Kaylee. One of the people that understand what I'm going through, replaced me with better. Little do they know, this made everything worse. Do they care? Probably not.

if you want to hear more about my anxiety, keep reading. It'll be mentioned multiple times throughout this entire story. Next up, the things that save my life and why I didn't want to be here anymore.