I turn the camera on. Through the screen I see me and death- well what hopefully will be my death. So I'm doing this. Deep breath.
"Um. Hey, sorry Mom. You're probably not going to want to watch this either way it goes, but I'm sorry for everything I've done up to this. I'm not sorry for this gun though, I think I'm actually very grateful for it. I guess you will probably want to know why I'm doing this. I don't think I have actually have one good reason , but it fells like I have every reason. I know that's got to sound petty, I'm sorry for that, but Mom the nothingness hurts so bad It doesn't seem like I can feel anything. The only thing that sometimes stops the nothingness for hurting so bad is alcohol and I can't live like that. I can't stop either. Mom I'm sorry. I love you. You probably want to quit watching now."
After that I start loading five bullets into death- the revolver. Close it. Spin it.
"Reverse Russian Roulette ," I mutter.
"One. Two. Three." click
BLAST!
Nothing. Two more goes. Spin.
"One. Two. Three." click
BLAST!
Nothing. One more try. It'll work this time. Spin.
"One. Two. Three." click
BLAST!
Nothing.
"Fuck. It-it didn't... DANM IT!" I scream and tears start pouring down my face as I reach to turn the camera off. Now I'm stuck here I swore I would live in the nothingness if it didn't work. Now I've got to breathe and it fucking hurts.
How can anyone do this I wonder the whole walk home. When I get home I walk through the front door like nothing happened- with death and the camera in my book bag. With my mom standing there as I enter the kitchen.
"Hey pumpkin how was your day?" She ask like everything is the same as yesterday. The question is the same but I don't think I am.
"Alright I guess. Nothing really happened," I say witch is kinda true. I should have just shot instead of playing games.
"That's school for you go do your homework," she says with a smile and I fake one back as go to my room.
The second I get in there I put death back in that slot between the door frame and the wall in my closet that my dad always meant to fix. My dad gave death to me way back, I think I was in fourth grade, well the summer going to fourth. When he gave me death he just said to make sure Mom is always fine. Guess he was a bit of a hipacrit considering a few years later he just disappeared. Well either way I've fucked that up now.
I'm thinking about all of this a I grab a bottle from under my bed- they say tats where your demons live but I keep my demon repellent there. I take a nice god sent gulp and I feel warm inside. This is why I don't drink that much. I know it'll make me feel a little better so I generally know better than this.
--
"911, my son's not breathing. I went to wake him up for school and he's not breathing." Mom says into the phone.
"Ma'm calm down what's your address," the woman on the other end ask.
Mom responds our address borderline hysterical.
"Ma'm calm down we're sending an ambulance. Do you need me to stay on the line with you till they get there?"
"Yes please," Mom responds.
--
"I'm sorry ma'am your son is dead," the man at the hospital told her.
"How? He was just a kid." Mom ask.
"Alcohol poisioning. Now might not be the best time to ask, but did he have any problems with mental illness or depression?" He ask.
"No he was happy and caring he wouldn't have done this on purpose," Mom said.
Mabey this is hell? Seeing Mom so sad is breaking my heart but I glad. That sounds pathetic but I'm glad. I really didn't mean to but I'm glad.
"Ok. It's just hospital standard to ask. This happens a lot with kids not knowing how much they can take."
I know ,well knew, how much I can take. I just wanted to feel better and it was working.
-
After all the people left she started going through my things. She found death and the camera stashed in the place I used to hide my Halloween candy. Then she watched the footage.
--
A week latter she added her own piece to the tape and played one round of Russian Roulette.
Didn't kill her. One in a million chance they said. She's in a coma but they say she'll wake up soon.
Now everything blackness. Not nothingness just blackness. I all ways did have all the luck in the family.
