These Four Walls

Chapter 1

I feel so numb, staring at the shower wall. Its begun, the feeling that the end has come. Now the water's cold.

I walked home from school thinking of what happened. Complete shit. Kids laughing, pointing, the pain and sorrow took over me. Somehow, I held it in. I arrived home and walk into my room and slammed my door. I threw my backpack and punched the wall. Tears stream down my face as I grab my razor blade from a box in my closet. I brushed the cold razor across my wrist and watched the blood fall down my wrists. The new cuts covered my old ones. I was 15 days clean... new record. I felt tired and stopped cutting, also, there was no more room left. I cleaned the blood off of my wrists and headed to my bathroom to start a shower. I put the water at the right temperature and undressed. God, why am I so fat? No wonder guys don't like me. Why am I so ugly too? Everyone is prettier than me. Everyone.

I walked into the shower as water hit my body. The hot water hit my throbbing cuts and I winced at the pain.

I just stood there, trying to wake up. I wiped all of my makeup off of my face and washed the hairspray that was left in my auburn hair. All I could think was the guy that I like, standing there, not helping me. Why would anyone want to help a useless girl like me? Nobody likes me! Even my parents! I only have 2 friends but I'm pretty sure they talk behind my back. I brushed my thumb over my old cuts on my thighs. God. Am I really that suicidal? Do I really cut that much. Tears filled my eyes, making my vision blurry. Tears streamed down my face. Why can't I just kill myself already?! It'll be better! No more people judging me, no more pain, no more feeling insecure, just no feeling at all. Man, being dead would be way better than being alive. I stared at the shower walls with a blank stare. I kept crying and I kept thinking about death. Please God, end my life now. I started to feel dizzy, weak and I could barely stand. Yes, finally I might die!! The water turned cold. I stopped the shower and got out. Why can't I just die, right here, right now?