My Hidden Notes

8

This is one of my favorite slam poems🙌🏻
(I posted the video above⬆️,watch it first!!))
(((READ THE AUTHORS NOTE!!!!)))

Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
The next it's the bear
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call the bad days "the Dark Days"
Mom says try lighting candles
But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside her open casket
It is the moment that I learn everyone I will ever come to know will someday die
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem
Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head
Mom says where did anxiety come from
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party
Mom, I am the party, only I'm a party I don't want to be at
Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends
Sure I make plans, I make plans I don't want to go to
I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go
It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun Mom
You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
Mom says try counting sheep
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot
Baptize myself in
Mom says happy is a decision
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
My happy is a high fever that will break
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
No Mom I am afraid of living
Mom I am lonely
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy
So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat
But I am just a careless tourist here

I will never truly know where I have been
Mom still doesn't understand
Mom, can't you see
That neither can I

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'Major depressive disorder (MDD), also known simply as depression, is a mental disorder'--->Wikipedia
"....mental disease"--->American Psychiatry Association
The list goes on and on,for the meaning of depression
But depression isn't a mental disease,isn't a disorder,for me depression is the state where you lose your self love,it's the state where you feel like you lost everyone around you but the truth is that people are still there but you just lost your self,it's the sate where you feel like the whole world is against you but the truth is that your against yourself.
Depression seeps into every single persons heart,but it's you who let it take over your life,it's you who gives depression a meaning.
YOU DEFINE DEPRESSION,but sometimes you let depression define you,and that is when you lose yourself.
Ive been there,everyone passed through a stage like this
Ting ting ting
The battle between DEPRESSION VS YOU
That is the moment when you give depression a definition,life is a battle and I swear it's worth fighting for,but you just have to look at the bright side!
Walt Disney was kicked out of a magazine because he lacked creativity but at that same moment,he searched for the bright side and he held himself tightly on that small rope which is hope.The main aim behind me telling you this story is that if he wasn't kicked out of that magazine he wouldn't have made DISNEY!!
So always alwaysss look at the bright side,the world is a beautiful place,don't let depression define you,don't let it take over your life,make it the reason behind your success I've been there,and I might go back to it someday,but what I know for sure is that I'm gonna survive whatever obstacle I face,because we are humans,and we are born to fight.
So make this battle,make your life worth fighting for .
Sometimes you may wake up at 2a.m thinking of how miserable you are but you should know that this is a stage and it will pass,and it'll became a memory of a battle that you won.
So don't let depression take over you:      -seek help,the world is full of nice people you just have to look closely
-look at the bright side,because there's always one
-think positively because it shall pass
-and finally,I'm here,I'll always be,so just message me and I promise i shall do my best to make you feel better
I love you beautiful❤
Thank you for reading❤❤