Lost and Found (manxboy) ✓

Chapter One

My fingers caught on the buttons as I put on one of my nicer shirts. The depressed part of myself was trying to talk out the saner part from going to church this morning. I swallowed and forced myself to button the shirt. I looked at myself in the mirror on the back of the bedroom door as I finished dressing, pulling on a cardigan. I just hoped no one else would see the sadness in my eyes...but who was I kidding? It was plain as day. The pain I was experiencing showed in every facet of my expression. I even tried to smile, but it just looked so pitiful. Hopefully everyone at church would be too nice to say anything about my appearance.

I knew everyone would be happy to see me. I hadn't stepped foot in a church since Harrison's...funeral.

Was that so hard to say to yourself, Beau? He's dead, he had a funeral. Though you don't remember half of it because you were so out of your mind, you pathetic piece of shit.

My eyebrows drew together and my lower lip trembled, but just the slightest bit. Your brain could be mean to you when you were depressed. I'd learned that a long time ago.

I brushed my hands over my shirt, smoothing the invisible wrinkles. I smiled at myself in the mirror one more time, willing myself to have that little twinkle, that little sparkle that Harrison always said I had in my eyes.

It was gone though. Had been gone for five months. It probably wasn't ever coming back.

I left the large bedroom before the emptiness could start closing in on me. I was sleeping in the guest room now, but I hadn't found the motivation to move my clothes. I couldn't find the motivation to do anything these days.

I breathed deeply as I made my way downstairs. I didn't want to start panicking before I even made it to church. I was going. I was not going to talk myself out of it.

I went to put on my shoes, ignoring the stack of bills I had set on the dining room table. Yesterday I told myself "you'll deal with them tomorrow". I had set them right there so I couldn't pretend to will them out of existence, but now I was trying really, really hard not to think about them.

I swallowed thickly and brushed at my cheeks, but I wasn't crying. I grabbed my shoes from the shoe rack that I refused to stop using. Harrison had gotten on me so hard when I first moved in, telling me very firmly that no, I couldn't just throw my shoes wherever I wanted. I actually smiled at the memory of his arms waving around as he scolded me. I refused to let a sob bubble up.

It's a happy memory, Beau. You can remember things and be happy, right? You don't have to be sad all the time.

I finished putting on my shoes and made sure I had my wallet and phone before grabbing the keys from the little bowl on the table by the door. Another thing I refused to stop using even though in the beginning I had told Harrison how stupid it was. He always had to have things just so. I really loved that about him. I can't remember if I ever told him.

I moved some hair behind my ear and unlocked the door, locking it back up again once I was outside. I got in the car and buckled my seat belt, making sure I could see in all the mirrors. I turned the car on, no radio playing. I hated driving, Harrison always, always drove. I hadn't driven anywhere in the seven years we were together.

I pulled out of the driveway. I was doing it. I was actually going out and doing something I used to do every single Sunday for seven years. I had talked myself into it and it was actually happening. I couldn't help the proud little smile that slipped onto my face.

Now I just needed to stick to the right direction and not end up pulling off to the side of the road and blubbering like a baby.

You can do it, Beau.