When The Stars In The Sky fade Into One- Lellinger

when the stars in the sky fade into one

He usually never woke up in the middle of the night, but this time it felt different. The weight that was normally on the right side of the bed was gone and instead of the comfortable warmth coming from the other body, there was an empty space and the bed felt completely too big. When he opened his eyes he was met with piercing darkness. A slight beam of moonlight was shining through the window, signaling that it was still the middle of the night. He turned on the bedside lamp and he needed a couple of seconds to get used to the brightness. His gaze immediately fell to the other side of the bed, his heart falling when he saw that Stephan wasn't there. His mind became hazy with negative thoughts and concern and his brain wasn't able to realize what was happening. He closed his eyes again, trying to convince himself that it's just a dream he would soon wake up from, but when he opened his eyes, Stephan was still missing. His heart started to panic and his hands flew to his phone. No messages. No calls. He looked around the room again and this time a piece of scribbled paper caught his attention. He recognized the messy writing as Stephan's and with sleepy eyes he read the sentence. 'Couldn't sleep, so I went to the hill. Don't worry.' A wave of relief overflowed him and he cursed himself for always thinking about the worst possible situations. He exhaled a loud sigh and sank back into the mattress. Closing his eyes he tried to fall back asleep, but his brain didn't stop working. His mind was clouded with thoughts about Stephan, and the million things the other could be thinking about. His roommate was an over thinker, always beating himself up about things he might have done or said wrong. He always kept himself in the back, not wanting others to worry about his problems. But to Andi it was obvious when something wasn't quite right and when he couldn't close his eyes again and fall back a sleep, he decided to go out and look for him. He got up from the bed and started putting on his hoodie, thinking about Stephan who probably hadn't dressed up enough and was now freezing. He grabbed another jacket and left their hotel room, sneaking through the halls and trying to keep quiet. The ski jumping hill wasn't far from the hotel but he was still surprised Stephan went to it. Even though they had a competition there tomorrow and the workers obviously knew them, it still wasn't acceptable for them to go there in the middle of the night, without anyone knowing. He continued walking and pushed his hands deeper into his pockets, slowly getting closer to the hill. He spotted a figure sitting on the stairs on half of the way up to the top, curled into himself with his head resting in his palms. When Andi left the room he didn't really plan what he will say, he just knew he had to get to Stephan as soon as possible. With each step he got more and more nervous and he tightened the grip on the jacket he was still holding in his hands. He climbed through the gates around the entrance and continued walking to the stairs. His gaze moved from his shoes to the person he immediately recognized as Stephan and the moment the other one saw him, a gentle smile spread on his face. He almost looked apologetic as was always in his nature, but the relief of the fact that Andi was there was clearly visible on his soft features. Andi couldn't help but smile too, still walking up the stairs with steady pace while his heart was beating as loud as the sound of his steps in the empty arena. A soft 'Hi,' interrupted his thoughts and the sound of Stephan's voice made his heart skip a beat. Instead of greeting him back he broke the silence with a voice full of worry that he was trying so hard to hide. "You are so stupid, you know. Just leaving the bed in only a sweater and coming up here to sit in the cold." Stephan was quiet at that, simply not knowing what to say. The silence fell back between them again, his eyes falling to the city that was deep bellow them and then almost whispering, "just couldn't sleep, that's all." Andi sighed at that, not satisfied with the answer but he decided he would try and get more out of him later. He handed Stephan the jacket and couldn't help but notice the cold fingers that brushed his and gave him a strange feeling. Sitting down he signed again while Stephan gave him a thankful smile. They sat in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes, both looking at the gorgeous town bellow them that was lit up by thousands of lights while Stephan was still slightly trembling. Without thinking about it twice Andi scooted closer to him and wrapped his hands around the other's body, trying to give him as much of his own warmth as possible. "I hope you know that I'm always here to talk if you need to get things out of your head." Stephan smiled at that, keeping his gaze on his hands while nervously playing with his fingers, not wanting to say anything wrong. He always admired Andreas for his kindness and he wanted to open up to him, to tell him all the things that lay heavy in his heart but at the same time he just couldn't imagine worrying Andi with his thoughts and putting down his always cheerful and positive mood. The searching and hopeful pair of blue eyes convinced him though, and he decided telling Andi what was on his mind could lift the weight that he was struggling with for a couple of months off of his shoulders. "I feel like I shouldn't be in the team for Lahti, I'm the weakest of us all and putting me in the team would only bring us bad results. On top of that, I feel like I shouldn't even deserve to be in World Cup as I'm obviously here just because Freund had an injury." Words were unguardedly flowing through his mouth and he was afraid to look at Andi, who was still listening. "I feel like I don't belong here, my results are nowhere near as good as everyone else's and I just fell so left out." With that, he ended his uncontrolled sentences that were coming directly from his heart, the realization of the fact that he was actually saying them making his eyes water. He tried to subtly wipe away his tears with his cold hands, too nervous to take a look to the side, knowing how much Andi hated when he talked low of himself. Suddenly, he felt warm hands grabbing his own and pulling them from his face, Andi's fingers wrapping around his and giving him warmth, gently stroking the knuckles. It felt nice to have someone there beside him and he always knew Andi was the right person to open up to. Now that everything was out of his heart, he didn't know why he hadn't told him sooner. "I know it may sound strange, but I once felt the same." Just as Stephan wanted to protest and point out that Andi always was and is good at this, Andi interrupted him. "I was the youngest and everyone was looking at me from above, not believing in my capability and leaving me behind. I felt awful and at that moment all I had to do was believe in myself. I didn't really have anyone to give me support and keep my head up and I often thought none of it is worth it. Just now I realize how big of a mistake I could have made. But I continued, step after step and I would usually beat myself about every bad jump but I would still get up stronger and it gave me hope and motivation for the future. I knew what I wanted and I know you do too. I am so thankful that I kept on fighting just for myself when I knew nobody else would because if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't be here now." He stopped for a moment, his gaze still fixed on Stephan who was looking at their interlaced hands. It reminded him how nervous he actually was, but he continued anyway. "All you need to do is believe in yourself, Stephan." With that, he gently nudged him with his shoulder, trying to get him to understand his words. He finally looked up at Andi, his eyes gleaming with gratefulness and he gave him one of his brightest smiles. "I mean it, Stephan. I don't want you to ever put yourself down. Not only it's bad for you, but it also hurts me." They were still holding hands, with their shoulders close together and Andi was having a hard time concentrating. He really hoped he managed to convince Stephan that he is worth so much more than he thinks he is and that he definitely belongs here. He is adored by people and his teammates love him, some even more than they probably should, so he really didn't see a reason for his self-consciousness. Stephan was still quiet, taken aback by the sudden openness from Andi. The words sank into his brain and he couldn't get the last sentence out of his head. The actions were much easier said than done, but he promised himself he would at least try it. It meant a lot to him that someone was there; longing to listen to his problems and it meant even more that Andi actually tried to help him by giving him confidence that he needed. He felt extremely close to him and he never expected a conversation could have such an impact on him. The silence between them spoke for itself, both having million thoughts in their heads but neither of them was able to form them into words. Even though Stephan felt like his heart had never been opened up like that before; showing how vulnerable he actually was, he was afraid of showing that through the actions. Just a soft brush of their hands made his heart flutter and having his hands warmed up by Andi was enough to leave him breathless. He pushed the nervousness from his thoughts and rested his head on Andi's shoulder, hoping the motion wasn't too straightforward. It was a simple action, but it meant a lot to him and he tried to subtly tell just how much Andi meant to him and how overwhelmed he was by his words. Andi melted at that and signed, only now realizing he was holding his breath the whole time. He was afraid his feelings were too obvious, but it didn't matter now because he was sure Stephan felt the same. Their touch was full of tenderness and it told more than words ever could. They stayed like that for a moment; cuddled up into each other and keeping themselves warm. It was Stephan who broke the silence first, even though he would much rather stay like that the whole night. "We should probably go to back the hotel soon, otherwise we will be late in the morning, again." Andi just nodded, enjoying the moment too much to actually move. Stephan smiled at him and got up, pulling him by his hand and softly caressed his palm. Andi didn't disobey, he got up as well and sleepily started to walk down the stairs. They walked hand in hand, both trying to convince themselves it was just for the sake of keeping each other warm, but they knew that wasn't the main reason. Their steps were heavy and loud, tiredness taking over their bodies and reminding them that it was the middle of the night. The moon was still high above them, lightning up the way to the hotel and brightening their joyful faces. Their walk to the room was quiet, both afraid of being seen and when Andi unlocked the door, they immediately crashed down on their bed. "You owe me an hour of sleep," Andi said jokingly and managed a playful smile despite of his tiredness. Stephan just smirked at him and pulled the covers over himself, tugging them away from Andi. "I said you didn't have to come though, so it's not my fault you were so concerned that you had to go after me." The other just rolled his eyes and turned to the side, sleepiness slowly taking over his body. He almost fell asleep when he heard a soft voice that always manage to send chills down his spine. "But I'm glad you did." Stephan probably didn't expect him to respond or even to hear, but Andi subtly moved closer and hugged him from behind, nuzzling his head into his neck. They fell asleep close against eachother and if they woke up late the next morning, they didn't mind.