My testimony at 15 years old

My testimony

I grew up in a christian family. We go to church 2-3 time a week. We have bible studies together all the time, yet i always felt like i was just there, trying to learn about him more but, i could never personaly connect wih him on a huge level. I couldnt do that with anyone. I was always the person lifting everones spirit up with god, i forgot about myself. I believed all of the lies satan was telling me, like im not beautiful, i suck at everything, you will never succeed,you will not have a bright future. The worst for me is, you are not loved, you will never be loved

I got baptist in 7th grade, and ever since then, ever thing got harder. I got bullied a lot more for my faith, i would go to sleep crying because i didnt know how to talk to anyone. I didnt tell anyone my full emotions. I was very quiet, through middle school.

This started looking up for me when i got to highschool. At first, i was getting good grades, having amazing friends, and living life with god. Of course, something had to happen. I would go home, get yelled at to do my chores, do my homework, start singing more, start running more, start focusing on the bible more. Everything just felt like so much that i just... didnt want to go home.

I would go over my friends for hours until it was almost my bed time. I didnt do homework- still dont-, i didnt want to do chores, i didnt want to sing infront of a microphone, i didnt want to run, i just wanted to sleep and hang out with friends and go to church. Because church was the one place i felt... loved.

I would then go home, get blocked out from family conversations, i would try telling them about my day, but someone would always interupt me. It would be bedtime and i would always say day after day "love you good night." And give my family hugs, they would say it back... the only time i truely felt loved.

Then i blew up, i felt nothing, i felt gone society. I cried and cried for what felt like hours. In the distance i could hear "listen to me" over and over again, but i could never focus on it. I did not want to go to church that day, i did not want to go to friends. I wanted to sit on my floor alone.

I went to church that night, and im glad i did. They were sharing testimonies, when a girl went up, she was 26, and her name is meghan. She mentioned the lies satan tells us.

At that exact moment she said " the worst lie was always" there was pause and i wispered "i will never be loved" and thats exactly what she said. I stared to cry a bit when. But then they sang a song called "reckless love" by bethel, i cried. A lot. At the end part of the song, a girl named maggie, came up to me. She has no idea what has been happening, yet she says everything that has been on my mind for the last month. Everything. I tried to control my tear but i could barely hold the whimpers in.

My leader saw the hole thing go down, she pulled me to the side before we went to small group, i told her everything, at least i tried to tell her everything. Im not very good at explaining things. Which leads me up to this point. Writing this. This is my testimony so far. At 15 years old.