Kill Yourself

Chapter One

I don't really remember how i was born, mainly because i'm not sure if anyone knows how things were like once they were born.
I remember when I was four, I used to sit with my Nana Stella on her bed.
She would take care of me like a mother would, because my mom worked early in the morning to late at night.
I rarely seen my dad either, because like my mom, he worked late.
When I would see my mom, on rare occasion, she would call me worthless. She would blame me for everything that went wrong in her life. She would throw me around, kick me, punch me, she would use me as a miniature stress bag.

Enough of her.

My Nana Stella was disabled, she couldn't breathe on her own, she couldn't walk on her own either.
When my mom would abuse me she would pull me up onto her bed and scream at her, telling her not to touch "her baby".

About a year later in September, my Nana Stella became weak, she needed more oxygen tanks. She used them all night, all day, every second of her life. She visited the hospital more frequently, which scared me.

She stayed at the hospital for weeks, until one day she came home.
She had needles in her arms, a pump in her nostrils pumping air into her lungs, along with a mask.
She was weak, she could barely talk, barely pick up a cigarette or cup of coffee, I knew she was dying before the rest of my family.

That night before bed she called me to her bedside, pulling me onto her bed. She looked at me, her eyes were glossed over and shiny, her breathing was unsteady.
She said with an unsteady word, "I love you so much, I am so proud of you. You
will go places. You are so strong". She hugged me and sent me to bed.
~~
I woke up to the sound of crying and despair, she had taken her last breath that night.
I ran to her room in disbelief, looking at her cold and stiff corpse. I looked up at my mom and shook my head, tears building over my eyelids.
I said with my small child voice "she isn't dead, she wouldn't die! she's just joking!!"
My mom shook her head, pulling me up to her. I took both sides of her in my small arms, feeling the cold release of my body against hers.
I teared up, pushing my face into her chest. Now, from here, this is where it all began. How it really felt to be alone.
~~
A couple years pass, and it's been about 4 years now, and i've learned how to ignore people that hurt me, but I knew the pain wasn't over.
My mom cheated on my dad, she abused him, he gave her a dozen chances, but the woman couldn't keep her cooch for one person.
My dad gave her one final chance before giving up entirely.
My mom was forced to move to Providence, in a horrible part of Providence too.
A week later, after moving into our "new" house, our neighbors tried robbing us.
They took my IPod 4, my TV, most of my childhood toys, and they took my innocence. I would sneak around the streets with my other neighbors, because I was weak and insecure.
~~
About a month later my mom got a cat, she was a short-haired siamese. We named her China.
A month later my mom sold her for pills and weed.