Redwood's Secret

"Most people go through life not even thinking about who their biggest enemy is but I...I know who my enemy is. My enemy the thing that kills me slowly minute by minute is my own mind. Don't give me that look, don't look me in the face and tell me my own mind can not in any way possibly be my enemy! I know what I'm talking about! my mind plays tricks on me it places thoughts inside my head that never go away. My mind is the reason I am trapped in this place. Doctors claim I need help that only medication will cure this "problem"! They don't know me! The doctors do not know what my mind does to me....how could they possibly understand that every thought my mind feeds me becomes reality in my eyes. How can they possibly help when they don't really understand the problem?" I glanced at Dr. Lenard who was as always waiting patiently for me to finish another one of my rants. "Ravin since obviously you still believe nothing we are doing is helping you, why don't you give me a suggestion on how to help you." Watching his face for any sign that he wasn't being serious I waited a whole minute before actually answering him. "Home, I want to go home." "Ravin I can't promise you'll get to go home, but for now I'll allow a single weekend." My heart skipped with joy a whole weekend to spend away from this place and with my boyfriend! Dr. Lenard smiled he knew he had my attention now I would do almost anything to get out of this place."Ravin before I call your uncle could you please tell me why you are here? Do you remember?" I looked at him my smile fading I've never been able to answer this question so of course he'd ask me it. I glanced at the chair then at him, if I had to sift through the memories I'd tried so hard if I had to bury I didn't want to be standing as I did it. Sitting in the chair I take a deep breath before nodding that I remember the reason for being sent here. " July twenty-second of last year is the day it all started, I had went to my boyfriend, Tyler's concert to watch him perform, he is a singer, and is popular with the teens, especially the girls. Between the paparazzi and the hate I was getting from Tyler's fans I had been having a pretty tough time but had been hiding everything from everyone. At this point in time Tyler and I had been together a year and a half we had met at one of his concerts and had got to talking, I'd had no clue who he was, I hadn't even wanted to go to the concert but my friend had drug me along. It wasn't until he got on stage that I realized who he was, but by then i was already in love with him. Things where great at first he's a great guy he still is... but the fans.. and the paparazzi aren't so great, the hate mail piles up form his "loving" fans the paparazzi follow me everywhere one even tried to get pictures of me in a department store dressing room. So by July I really wasn't having the best time. Fans sent letters or emails of some sort calling me fat, ugly, saying things like I was stupid or that I should die.. I began to wonder if i really wasn't good enough for Tyler, I began to believe the words the fans where telling me. I decided that maybe if i could change my self in some way they would appreciate me more... so I barely ate, and if i did i threw it up soon after eating it, I convinced my self if I was skinny enough it would somehow change their minds. So at the concert that night I was actually having a good time, Tyler was introducing me to some fans that had won a contest for free back stage passes. These girls where really nice and commented on how nice I looked and how nice Tyler and I looked together, I remember opening my mouth to thank them when the room started spinning and everything went black. I had awaken in a hospital bed with the concerned faces of Tyler, my Uncle Simon, and a doctor staring down at me. Tyler had stepped forward and gently kissed my forehead before taking my hand. "Babe please let Simon and I get you help, I can't stand to see you like this, Love please just please try this place out..." I agreed to try the place he had in mind out I couldn't stand the idea of causing Tyler or my Uncle Simon any more pain than I already had. The place they sent me was here at the Redwood Mental Institute where I have been for the past seven months. No longer do I throw up my food I eat healthy and exercise, at first it was hard I thought of myself as a cow especially when I started gaining some of the weight back. I now see that I'm not fat, I just have to remember it doesn't matter what others think of you as long as you can live with yourself." I knew every word of this was a lie even now when Dr. Lenard thought I was fine I was still only eating enough to keep me looking healthy I pretended everything was fine when all I wanted to do was cry, or scream at the pain my mind inflicts on me! How do I get free! I was shaking with tears streaming down my face, I wasn't sure what the tears where from the fact that I knew I was lying or the fact or remembering the past year's. Whatever said seemed to please Dr. Lenard because he smiled softly at me he was pleased I could see it in his eyes"Ravin you have come a long way, I know it's hard to talk about your past but I also see that you have learned from your mistakes, you don't need the medicine you are on, you need your loved ones. I know you've been trying to tell me this for awhile now and I haven't been listening, I apologize and to try to make it up to you if this weekend goes well you will be allowed to return home for good." Dr. Lenard opened the door as I got up to leave he stopped me, " I'm going to call your uncle and get you home today so go pack your things." Nodding I left his office making my way down the corridors to my room. I didn't waste a second I knew as soon as Uncle Simon got the news he'd be here unless he was in a meeting but even still he'd have Tyler's security guard Charles pick me up. I grabbed my bag from under my bed and threw my clothes in to it slowing only to be sure everything was in it neatly. Too impatient to stay in my room and wait I walked down the corridors one last time or at least what I hoped would be one last time. I watched as the familiar black car pulled into the drive of Redwood, fidgeting impatiently I waited on the nurse to type in the key code to let me out of the building. Throwing my bag on the ground in front of the car I ran to Tyler's open arms. He wrapped me in a tight hug swinging me around in a circle before kissing me tenderly on the lips. Uncle Simon stepped forward laughing at the two of us as he pulled me from Tyler's grasp to hold me to his chest. I buried my head in his chest murmuring "Uncle Si" because it's all I could say without crying. "Ravin baby girl, my beautiful little girl, I am so proud of you and I'm certain your father would be proud of you as well." A tear slipped down my cheek I tried to wipe it away but Uncle Simon stopped me, all of a sudden it was like I was five years old again and he was wiping my tears away and leading me to the comfort of the car after my daddy's funeral, only this time there was no death, no funeral, just a happy reunion that was long time over due. I knew Uncle Simon loved me I knew that nothing I ever did could harm that love, but that didn't help the guilt from seeping into me. If only he knew that I was lying to get out of this place if only he knew how I truly felt ... would he still say daddy was proud of me? Or would he be disappointed in me as I'm sure daddy is? The ride home was fun I suppose but it was hard to enjoy the laughing and joking around when all I could think about was the fact that I was lying to everyone. We got to Uncle Simon's place and went inside I thought about putting my things away but changed my mind I was never home so I might as well take my clothes with me to Tyler's place. Simon looked at me as I tossed my bag to the floor by the door and laughed " finally deciding to take some of your clothes to Tyler's?" Smiling I nodded " Yeah I have my own clothes I might as well take them with me." He nodded not at all upset that i wanted to go to Tyler's place instead of staying here with him. Tyler walked up and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek " I'm glad you're coming home love" " You are a bad house keeper someone has to be there to ensure that the house isn't destroyed Ty" we all laughed and hung out for a while till Tyler asked if I was ready to go. I nodded and got up to give Uncle Simon a hug when I heard the door open. The figure in the door moved forward asking " Was I not missed at all?" "Charles!!!" He walked in and smiled giving me a huge hug " Hey kiddo glad your home" " So am I" his smile faded as he glanced at Uncle Simon and a silent message passed between the two of them. Getting impatient I broke the silence " can we go now?" everyone laughed as Charles shot an amused look at Tyler and I " seems the kiddo's are impatient maybe I should stay at their place tonight to keep them in check?" I glared at him " You wouldn't dare Charles!" he laughed " no darlin I wouldn't I'm pullen your strings calm down dear." He ushered us to the car joking around with us on the twenty minute drive to Tyler's. Once at the house I left Tyler to get my bag and ran to the front door. I stood in the hallway once I opened the door and stopped Tyler had spread rose petals from one end of the house to the other and had already put my favorite Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp, in the player. "Those had better be happy tears" he murmured into my ear coming up behind me. "yes they are very very happy tears love" I bit my lip as I told the lie the truth is the tears are for the fact that I could lie so easily to a man who could do something like this for me just because he wanted to. I love Tyler I swear I do, but I'm terrified of being sent back to that place. Tyler interrupted my thoughts pulling me to the sofa to watch television. We stayed curled up on the sofa for hours till he got ready for bed. Once he went to bed I cleaned the roses up then got his laptop out. I knew I shouldn't look but I wanted to see what the fans where saying about me. The first message was enough to get me into a fit. The message read "That ugly, stupid, slut is back with Tyler! why can't that stupid girl stay gone! Does she not see that he doesn't love her that he just dates her cause he feels sorry for her!!! Gah! I REALLY HATE HER SHE SHOULD JUST DIE!!! TYLER DON'T NEED HER!!!!!!!!" Tears streaming down my face I threw the laptop against the wall shattering it. Run I have to run I turned to run out the door only to have a hand reach out and stop me. Tyler pulled me to him "Babe calm down your okay" he fought off my hands as I punched at him trying to get free. He held me close to his chest as I calmed down whispering words into my ear. I sank to the floor still sobbing "Tyler please Tyler don't tell Uncle Simon Tyler please!" I was hysterical and I knew it but I didn't know how to calm myself down. Tyler knelt down next to me on the floor holding me close to him. Once he calmed me down his face full of concern he said " Ravin you need help....let me call Redwood let me get you help. You need to go back to that place to get the help you need let me send you back." I swear my heart stopped as I looked up at him "Tyler.... if you love me you won't send me back how can you want me to go away again I can't be put back in that place Tyler.. do you even love me... or are the fans right? Am I a charity case?" He looked at me tears in his eyes "Babe I do love you, you aren't a charity case but you need help please let me help you,I love you Ravin but one way or another you are going back to Redwood you need help and I refuse to stand by and watch you hurt anymore so I am sending you back. I love you but I have to get you help." I didn't stop to think about my next moves, all I knew was that I couldn't go back to that place so I ran. I ignored Tyler calling for me and made my way into the street the rain was pouring down I didn't see the car until it was too late. The last sound I heard was the screeching of tires before everything went black. Maybe I can't change, maybe I am just a lost cause, everything is fuzzy I can hear voices but I can't make them out. I try to scream help me! But no one seems to hear the words coming out of my mouth. The world goes black until I find myself staring at the faces of Uncle Simon, Tyler, and Dr. Lenard. I'm back to the place I started at staring once again at the concerned faces of my loved ones. So I find myself back at Redwood... will I ever learn? Will this nightmare ever end? "Tyler please, please help me, I'm scared I don't think I'll survive if I go back to that place please help me" Tyler kissed my cheek tears streaming down his face, " Babe I'm sorry if I thought going back would do you no good then I wouldn't allow them to let you go... but I swear I'll be with you I will visit everyday. I love you and I will help you through this." I felt abandoned I know he loves me, but I still don't see how he can send me back to that place... But as long as he sticks to his promise I am sure I'll survive .... I have to right? I guess I'm now Redwood's big secret the first they have ever had returned to them... that was the first mistake how many more have to be made before they see where I really need to be.