Yesterday's Tomorrows

Prologue

6 years, 3 months, and 8 days ago

Maddy

The sulfuric smell of gunpowder permeated the room.

Is he dead?

"Holy shit! I think you killed him!"

I sucked in air with a trembling gasp. I didn't realize I had asked the question out loud; it's hard to speak when you can't even breathe. For a brief moment, time felt like it had stopped, and I'd forgotten she was still here. I looked over my shoulder into wide, dark pools of caramel, lined with fudge. Charly's eyes always reminded me of the pictures of Bambi in my childhood collection of Little Golden Books, still one of my favorite items on the shelves in my bedroom.

I stumbled in her direction to help her up. Ever since I could remember, I'd wanted her approval and love, but it had been harder to find in recent years. Even now as I reached a hand toward her, she ignored me and just stared at the body. My eyes followed the path of hers. Like a child who tries to hide their head under the covers to avoid something scary, I squeezed my eyes shut and threw my forearms upward over my face as if that could make it go away. But it was a real life nightmare instead of the kind between twisted, sweat-soaked sheets in the darkest part of the night. There would be no waking up from this heart-pounding dream; no loving arms to draw me close and hold me until I felt better. Not that it was a feeling I was familiar with.

The adrenaline rush that held me together so far receded. My teeth chattered; their shakes making their way south until my knees were too weak to hold me upright, and I collapsed to the floor. Stars dotted the back of my closed eyelids as the enormity of what I'd done sunk in. This man was supposed to have been my key to a ticket out of here. And now I'd taken his life as if it were no more important than a disgusting cockroach that crossed my path. He deserved to be squashed, but not in this manner - and certainly not by me.

I rocked back and forth on my knees and wrapped my arms around myself in an irrational attempt to hold myself together until a rustling noise drew my attention. Warily, I opened one eye to see Charly rummaging through his pockets.

"Wh...what are you doing?"

After a brief hesitation, she grunted, "Gonna need money. Need to get out of here."

Somehow, she was able to ignore what I couldn't - dark blue eyes open wide with surprise and a taunting smirk still curved upon his mouth. One set of his manicured fingers fell from his blood-soaked chest as she jostled him. His legs curved awkwardly underneath him, the front of his Ralph Lauren gray pants darkening as his muscles relaxed one final time. His always perfectly combed blond hair stuck out at odd angles from his head. He no longer looked like the handsome prince I thought had ridden in to town to save me. If I believed in ghosts, I suspect he'd be hovering there, worried more about his appearance than by his prior actions.

Charly's face paled further as sirens wailed in the distance. Of course, the neighbors heard the shot; it was hard not to hear someone sneeze next door with these paper thin walls we called a home.

"Fuck! What the hell do we do now?" she whispered hoarsely as she crawled to sit beside me. I took small comfort that I was not alone in this nightmare.

I should have known better.

She stood suddenly and took a few steps away from me, which in this small space was almost to the front door. She paused and turned toward me. "Are you coming?"

I shook my head. "We...you can't--"

"Like hell I can't." Seconds later the rasp of the front door as it was dragged opened along the floor filled the room, followed by a bang as it bounced against the frame before it clicked shut, much like the door to my future just slammed closed in my face.

A tear rolled down my face. Another life ended because of me. I guess the DNA that made up every cell in my body was too powerful to overcome after all.