Push Through The Pain

The yelling and slamming of doors pull me from my sleep. Listening silently as my parents fight once again, I hope to God that the neighbors can’t hear the commotion. I tell my mind to block it out and go back to sleep. Nevertheless, I only end up staring straight up at the ceiling while daydreaming about fantasy worlds. I used to daydream about future relationships or hopes of the perfect guy but I have come to know this to be the hopes and dreams of children. The odds of me finding anyone that would actually have the ability to care about me are slim. I doubt that I of all people would have that kind of luck. So now, I just daydream about the day I turn 18 and can move as far away from here as humanly possible.

When I hear the first sound of skin on skin contact from down the hall I cringe and pull back, hiding partly under my covers.  Even though this is nothing new, I am still not able to get used to it.

 This sound is what haunts my nightmares.

I hear more physical contact and struggle to decide whether it is self-inflicted or not.  I sigh and squeeze my eyes shut tight, trying my hardest to block out the sounds. Normally I have my music blasting in my ears but my bed squeaks terribly and my phone fell from its place on my bedside table. I don’t want to announce that I’m awake to my parents for they may involve me. 

As tired as I am I don’t want to sleep. I only have a few more hours until school, and I know I will have another nightmare. My parents don’t know that I have nightmares, and I don’t want them to. They’ll just suffocate me with questions and say stuff like, “just talk to someone,” or “tell us what’s going on.” I don’t want them involved, and I surely don’t want them to know what the nightmares are about.

Resigned and tired I hear their argument rise an octave. I decide now is the perfect time to grab my phone without them hearing it, and slowly move my body weight as evenly as possible off the edge of the bed. I try and stretch my arm as far as it will go but the tips of my fingers only graze the top of my plastic case. Quicker this time I move further off the bed, now my entire upper torso is hanging from the edge. I reach further and feel the plastic with the palm of my hand. Quickly just as my parents’ voices rise again, I pull it out and slowly move my body weight back onto my bed.

As I look down at my phone, I can’t help but smile in accomplishment for achieving such a great feat. Smoothly I reach over and grab my headphones, shove them in the correct hole and press play on my Spotify play list. The first song that comes on is Rain by Breaking Benjamin. A smile appears on my face once again. I can apply this to how I feel. I just want all this rain to go away so I can smile like this all the time. Slowly my eyes droop and I hear the music fade out slightly as my fantasy worlds take shape in my mind.