Lunch Table Antics

The Day the I.Q. at the Lunchtable Dropped

This chapter was brought to you by: Ferret! And anime cat girls! ( in real life, they are not as sexy as you think)

So, near the start of the school year, two months in, Mouse brought one of her "daughters" to my table, the overall dictator of the Table. Armin is my right hand man, the second to arrive at the Table freshman year. We are juniors now. Mouse is my girlfriend, so she immediately gets a say in things. Shea (or Shay, depending) came here second semester so she wasn't here when the "daughter" was introduced, and Justin (real name changed for security's sake), the unobservant male lesbian who really "don't care".

Anyway, the "daughter's" name, for security's sake, is Shelly. Shelly is... a Special Snowflake. She has curly brown hair down to her boobs, which are huge and always "covered" by low cut shirts. Her eyes are brown, and... well, that is all I'm going to say about that. Her fashion sense makes anime characters cringe, with her always wearing low cut shirts with horizontal stripes and skirts, with some kind of boots or super tall high heels. She usually wears a weird jacket of some sort over it too, so none of it matches. Also a necklace with a binkie attached. A BINKIE! Which she uses, by the way. And she has a cat eared headband, which she wears no matter what her clothes are. Her basic goal was to look as much like an anime character without actually looking like an anime character, ratty pigtails and all.

Any way, we let her in the Lunchtable to humor Mouse, who said that Shelly had no where else to go. After she warmed up to us, we felt the I.Q. of the Table slowly drop at every stupid thing she said. Even Mouse, the everyone-loving Mom-Friend, got tired of her antics. To be completely honest, it was boy problems. Every. Single. Day. Boy problems. When we were talking about math homework, boy problems. Great movies? Shelly had boy problems. Ferret (me) laying out her plans for the mass genocide of the whole school for being idiots? BOY PROBLEMS.

Eventually, she got into a relationship with Justin, the male lesbian, and the Table was then tensely riddled with vomit inducing flirting. Whenever she would touch him, or vice versa, she would meow. Excuse me? Are you a cat? Did we adopt a retarded cat to our table?

At this point, we were all conspiring a way to murder her in some way or other. My plan was to kill her cook her, and feed her to my dogs, but Mouse said that that would lead to alot of paperwork. I disagree, but I behaved anyway. She was only dating Justin to forget a guy who didn't even know she exsisted in the first place. Oh well.

We put up with her for a good while, until my patience finally ran out and I began to get... nasty. I'm gonna be honest. I really am not nice. I try to be, but it doesn't work. So, I just started noticing and subtly responding to the stupid stuff she was doing. Of course, if I didn't, Shea, who became a resident of the Lunchtable, would have stabbed her in the eye with a fork. Not kidding in the slightest.

We just began applying slight pressure in the right places. Me constantly reminding her to pull her shirt/ wierd dress up to cover her boobs, Mouse no longer having the energy to comfort her when she was crying over whatever bull her brother (who she had a crush on) said to her one day, Shea not so subtly mentioning the I.Q. dropping, and Armin just not talking to her. Ever.

Finally, my remark on one of my pet peeves, people saying like and um every other word when telling a story (it's considered a speech impediment if you do that), made her crack. One afternoon, she just didn't show up. A day passed, then another, and another, and still no Shelly. Finally, I asked Mouse, and she said that I made Shelly "uncomfortable" so she moved somewhere else. We all cheered at that (except Justin, who was too busy playing games on his PC to care either way.) And the Lunchtable went back to normal. Well, as normal as we get. The Lunchtable's I.Q. was finally back to "Idiot" levels, instead of "Fork In Toaster" levels.

I still see her in the hallways sometimes, but I never say hi, and she doesn't notice me anyway. She still talks to Mouse the mom-friend though.