They Won't Know It's You // Joshler

Day Five

"I've been having dreams about him. They're all different though. In one dream, he survived and I died, and in another dream, we both died," I spoke quietly and held on tightly to the arms of the chair I was siting in. I looked at my therapist and found her writing things down on a clipboard.

"Can you sleep at night?," She asked.

"... What is your name?," I replied, completely ignoring her question.

The therapist looked up at me and smiled kindly. "Holly Gust. I thought I told you this before, Tyler. Do you not remember?"

I shook my head slowly and my grip on the chair was still tight. "I zoned out. I'm sorry"

Dr. Gust wrote on her clipboard. Only the pen scratching the paper was heard for a few seconds. "Alright, that's okay. Now, can you tell me if you sleep at night?"

I shook my head and then stopped. "I don't sleep well at night. How would I be able to sleep knowing that disgusting man with the black hat is out there sleeping fine after he killed my friend?," My grip tightened even more now. My hands started shaking. Dr. Gust must've noticed since she stood up and grabbed a yellow stress ball that had a smile on it from her desk and handed it to me. I took it with my shaky hand and only stared at it. I then looked up from it and to Dr. Gust.

"I'm afraid."

"What are you afraid of, Tyler?"

"Being alone, walking the streets alone, hands, g-"

Dr. Gust interrupted. "Why are you afraid of hands?"

"Hands pick up guns and they help the fingers pull the trigger," I said while squeezing the smiling stress ball. My breathing got shaky.

Dr. Gust jotted down some things onto her clipboard once again and then looked at me. "Let's talk about the pills, have you been taking them?"

I nodded and continued squishing the stress ball. "I've been taking them for five days"

"Do they seem to be working?"

"Well, I guess so? I'm still having bad thoughts and I can't sleep at night."

Dr. Gust looked at her clipboard. "It says here that you had a breakdown in Dr. Klutz's office five days ago. Do you still have breakdowns like that?"

"I had one yesterday"

"How about the day before?"

"... Maybe two?"

She wrote on that clipboard. It irritates me to hear that noise of the pen on the paper. The hand that holds the pen writes down things about me, things that are wrong with me. I squeezed the stress ball harder and harder. I watched as the smile scrunched up and deformed in my hands.

"When you have breakdowns, what is the main reason for it? Is it because you're thinking of the man with the gun or your friend?," She asked me.

I thought about it for a while before answering. "I think of my friend." I shook my head quickly and looked at Dr. Gust. She looked back at me.

"Why did you shake your head like that?"

"It helps me with my anxiety and stress"

"How come?"

"If I shake my head enough, the bad thoughts might leave"

She wrote what I said down on her papers. My breathing increased and I pulled my feet onto the chair I was sitting on to hug them. I buried my face into my knees and bit my lip. "I don't like this"

"What don't you like?"

"These questions, me talking about what happened that day, my dreams, why I shake my head.. I just..," I paused and my eyes filled with tears. I heard the therapist stand up and walk to me. She placed her hand on my shoulder, it made me flinch a little bit, but I stayed where I was. Tears fell from my eyes. "I want to feel better. I don't like this"

"What if you had a friend to talk to?," Dr. Gust asked.

"That friend is gone!," I exclaimed with my head still on my knees. I cried more.

"Tyler, maybe a new friend is what you need? How about you go for a walk to a park or a beach sometime soon? I think if you have a friend to talk to, it'll help you express your feelings."

"What about him? I could've expressed my feelings to him, but he's dead!," I shouted and looked up at Dr. Gust. Tears were streaming down my face. She reached over to her desk and grabbed a few tissues from the tissue box on it, then handed them over to me. I took them, blew my nose and wiped my eyes.

"Listen, you don't have to forget about your friend that died if you make a new friend. I'm pretty sure he wants you to move on and be happy because if he really was your friend, that is what he would want. He would want you to be happy and find a friend just as nice as he was to you."

I held my tissues in my hand and sniffed. I thought about it for a moment before speaking, "I don't want anyone to know me. I'd have a breakdown and scare them away with my tears and shouts."

"Find someone who will accept you then"

"How?," I asked with doubt in my voice.

"Go outside and make a conversation with someone and maybe-"

I interrupted her, "I'd rather hide in a mask if I had to go outside."

Dr. Gust went quiet for a bit. She looked down at me and gave a small smile. "If you had a mask on when you go outside, would you talk to people?"

I looked at the smiling stress ball in my hands. I squeezed it slowly. "Maybe"

"Why is it a maybe?"

"If the mask covered my whole face, then yeah, I would go outside maybe. If I felt like it."

Dr. Gust smiled at me. "If I find you a mask that would cover your whole face, maybe except for your nose, eyes and mouth, would you try to go out and make friends?"

I thought about it for a bit. I looked outside the window across from me and then looked down at my hands. I stayed quiet for about thirty seconds until I looked up at Dr. Gust. "Can the mask be white?"

She nodded and I gave a very small smile. "Sure," I replied.

"I'll try to find one soon so I can give it to you the next time I see you," She spoke.

"When do I see you again?"

"In five days."