All I do in life is over think. I mean really why? All day I ask myself these questions that don't make sense. Why is the sky blue? Or why is it every time I am about to go to second base I freeze and run away from my boyfriend, Daniel. I mean why do I have to think about having sex. Why does it scare me off? It's just sex, everyone tells me. But when I hear the word sex I think of lost virginity, STDs, unwanted pregnancy, falling in love, crying, him crying, being scared, getting married, and having a serious relationship. It's the most annoying thing. Why can't I be like every normal teenager? Why can't I just have a fuck buddy and call it a day. Or just fall in love and not have to worry about sex, pregnancy or getting married. Like why does this have to be so hard. I've been with Daniel for two years now, and he has told me I love you many, many times. But I usually don't say it back. He understands now, well because of the fucking over thinking.
Just knowing that everything happens for a reason, or to let fate take your path and make your life. It kills me. I don't want to know that everything happens for some ungodly reason. I want to know exactly the reason. I want to know exactly why its going to happen, and how and they way that my actions reflect should be the way that I get treated in life. But it doesn't work like that. I just know that if something ever bad happens to me I wouldn't know whether it was from something I did in the past, foreshadowing something that is going to happen in the future, or people just don't like me.
The words karama, fate, love, hate. They are all bullshit. things that happen to you are because people just don't like you. Whether its because of something stupid they thought that you have done. Or something that will never happen.
This is my horrible justification why I don't sleep with Daniel, why I don't want love or lust, why I don't want to commit. He understands this but there is only so much I can do. My life has been one big disappointment. Between moving, having friends one minute and then everyone hating you. And as I am writing this these mother fucking asians keep hitting me and I can't type. Like seriously get the fuck out and go back to asia. I just can't help but think that if I don't do anything with Daniel that he will leave me but he loves me.. Doesn't he?
