astrology - (short)

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The day isn't particularly bad. It's dry, but gloomy, and grey clouds can be seen from afar. So not exactly an ideal day either.

Not for going to the beach anyway.

Josh said he wanted to go as it's his comfort place. The lighthouse that sits in ruins up on the cliff nearby was his childhood 'hang-out' area, and he's been struggling greatly with his mental health lately, so I agreed to go as this may help him clear his mind.

The forty minute drive to Portobello was filled with a very off-putting and awkward silence. He rarely opened his mouth, and when he did, he said he's "been waiting a long time to get something off of his chest."

I didn't know what that meant, but he sounded deadly serious. 

When we arrived, the rain started dripping, only slightly and the waves were starting to crush against the rocks.

"Are you sure this is where you want to be, Josh?" I asked.

He ignored me, but pulled down the sleeves on his hoodie to cover his hands and proceeded to get out of the car.

"I'd say you don't need to come. I wish this didn't involve you. But it does. Well, it did." I grew nervous at his response - Especially at his use of past tense.

He then continued.

"I don't think I can do this anymore..." 

I became confused. Josh could tell. He kept talking.

"Us, I mean. It's just. It's not right anymore. It's not what I want."

He could tell those words hurt me more than his menacing brain wanted him to hurt himself.

"I understand if time is what you need. I know you're not in the right state of mind to make decisions right now. I'm going to be here when you change your mind. I promise. I know this isn't you speaking, Joshua. I hope it isn't you." I spoke through tears.

Josh sighed. There was an awkward silence for about ten seconds. Then he started again.

This time, he wasn't looking at me. He was looking up at the lighthouse.

"For the past four years, every time I gazed into those eyes of yours I saw the moon and the sun. The way that they are so different, and can never be seen together, but they need each other's love to survive. To work. To function. I thought our love would be the same as that.

As hard as this is to admit, for the past three weeks, your universe kept losing stars. The moon became smaller and smaller, and the sun became duller and duller. The eclipse that comes rare felt like it was never to be seen again. I am not in love with you anymore, Gemini. I hate myself for it, but I am not in love with you anymore..."

I felt my eyes become watery, and at that moment I couldn't tell what storm was heavier. 

The rain that was intertwined with the wind, making the waves crash against rocks, or the tears that began streaming from my canvased eyes, that just a few hours before, was painted with coral eyeshadow and coated with mascara to hide my insecurities. My masterpiece was ruined and now so was my life. 

I opened my mouth, hesitated and then instantly closed it again. I probably done this four times before I finally found words to speak. 

"Is there someone else?"

He looked at me. "No. I want it to be you. I just can't keep pretending to be happy. I learned you cannot force yourself to love someone, no matter how much you want to. You desevre more than this. You deserve someone that will love you as much as you love them. I don't deserve to love you."

"Maybe I don't want anyone else." I spat. My voice came out much firmer than I rehersed in my head a few seconds prior.

I could tell he was thinking about everything he said. He began to walk closer towards me and held out his hand. He moved it closer and grasped my cheek. As he was about to move in to kiss me, I flinched.

I moved back. I cried harder. 

"You cannot do that to someone, Joshua. You just explained about how you've fell out of love. How I don't give you the same positivity as I once did. This is reality. As much as I want it to be a romanticised version, and that we begin kissing and everything is okay again, it isn't. Your words have created a fight." 

In saying that to him, I realised how confident I became when I felt like the whole world was against me. 

"Let's fight then," was his aggressive response. I became nervous.

"I'm going to crash my lips against your lips, softly," and with that we were kissing. Hard. 

As you could imagine, reality was romanticised.