70's Porno Music

Beverly

March 2, 1973

I am getting attached.

I'm getting attached to the idea of having a lover. A sweet lover who cares about who I am and what I like.

Roper is that kind of lover who waits until you get inside before he pulls off. Roper is the kind of lover to keep all eyes on my when I'm speaking like everything I say is important even if it's not. Roper is the kind of lover to continually ask if I was okay when I was buried underneath him.

Roper is the kind I lover that a good girl falls in love with.

But I'm not one. Far from it. I could never be the kind of woman he needs. Is that selfish? I couldn't possibly love Roper because then I'll loose my freedom. He will become another Joe.

Oh God, when he finds out what I actually do to pay bills. I'm dreading. I'm dreading.

Roper is beautiful. So sweet. So kind. Roper is the kind of lover who would kiss my cheeks instead of lips because there is more sincerity in that.

There is no such thing as "the one". That is what I've told myself. But when I look at Roper, there couldn't ever be another man like him.

He's so caring. I've never seen someone so passionate in my life.

I'm ignoring him. To more I do it, the more I thing about him. He calls. Not too much. But I've unplugged my phone. He doesn't stop by. He keeps his distance.

I hate myself for not letting him in.

But I'm bringing this upon myself, right? I'm making myself unhappy and I'm complaining about it.

I wish I could tell Roper this. I wish I could tell him that a would make a fantastic lover, not under the covers, but just in my life.

I'll peek out the window and see a mop of hair that looks just like his but I know it's not him. They don't walk like he does. They don't trip over air and curse at the heavens.

I haven't done a shoot in a while. The big guy stopped by and asked me whether I'm in or done. I told him I was in between and needed some time. He gave my three and today is the last one.

I need a sign. Some glowing, bright sign. I look over the city tonight and as the clock ticks by, I wait for that sign.