A Fantasy Roast

Frodo Baggins (Lord of the Rings)

The Roasting of Frodo Baggins

As seen on Fantasy Central

December 18, 2011

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(laughter erupts from the Party Field in the Shire. There is a large group of people on stage sitting in the bleachers. Frodo Baggins is sitting on a huge chair in the middle of the stage. There are many more people in the audience, both Hobbits and humans. Saruman is at the microphone telling crazy jokes about Frodo.) 

Saruman: I don't know why, but somehow, a little Hobbit has destroyed a ring when I could have done it myself. (audience laughs) Frodo, you've beaten me so many times, it's like I'm so old that I went to high school with Gandalf...wait, I already have! (audience laughs and applauds. Sam Gamgee goes to the microphone)

Sam: Thank you, Saruman, for those rather touching jokes. And next up, we have Percy Jackson from "Percy Jackson & the Olympians"! (audience applauds as Percy goes to the microphone)

Percy: Frodo, you may be a little Hobbit, but you had the guts to do what you did. If it were me, I'd hand the ring to Kronos and have him and Sauron duke it out while we watch.

Luke: Which would be a bad idea because then other bad guys would jump in claiming the ring and then they would all be in a fight. You would have destroyed every villain in fantasy without even knowing it.

Frodo: And yet, life would be kind of ironic, seeing as the ring is still there and the bad guys are not.

Sam: That would be freaky...(just then, a very rude guest cuts in)

Megatron: Hey, this is unfair! I want to roast Frodo too! Why can't I join in?

Frodo: Because you would insult all humanity and try to make us all slaves. So there!

Megatron: I hate you, you annoying little rabbit!

Laurent: Hey, I resent that remark!

Sam: Let's move on, shall we? The next person to roast Frodo shall be Eragon from the Inheritance Cycle. (audience applauds as Eragon goes to the microphone)

Eragon: I don't know why I'm saying this, but your lack of dragons is insulting. I have never been so angry at the "Lord of the Rings" as I am now. Your uncle was an idiot for getting that dragon killed when he could have rode it into battle and fried all those orcs...

Dany: Hey, shut up! You have no right to insult him for what his uncle did! His uncle is a hero and they both deserve your respect!

Eragon: And what about you, Little Miss Dragon Bitch? You think you're so special just because you happened to hatch three dragons...

Drogo: Hey, bub, how dare you insult my wife! You have no clout!

Sam: I don't know about you, but what I do know is that some people just love to bash the past. Ok, next up, she may not have faced a dragon, but I know she's been through more crap than most normal girls. Please welcome Lyra Belacqua! (audience applauds as Lyra goes to the microphone.)

Lyra: Frodo, I know for a fact that you have faced many dangers, but still, facing the prospect of failure is enough to motivate even the most doubtful of people. And for that, I salute you.