A Fantasy Roast

Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games)

The Roasting of Katniss Everdeen

As seen on Fantasy Central

March 23, 2012

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Spencer: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! I'm Spencer Hastings from "Pretty Little Liars" and we're coming to you live from the 12th District in Panem! (audience applauds) Anyway, get ready for the roasting of the one and only Katniss Everdeen, star of "The Hunger Games"! (applause from audience as Katniss is brought in by Sansa Stark of "Game of Thrones" and Clary Fray of "The Mortal Instruments Series". She is tied up and has a strip of duct tape across her mouth.) I told you not to sign that gag order, but you didn't listen to me, or did you?

Clary: Well, someone tricked her into thinking that she was signing an autograph, and she fell for it. Pretty sad, huh?

Spencer: I see. Anyway, with Kat here out of action, please feel free to rag on her as much as you life. Are you ready to get this thing started? (audience cheers) Let's get started then! (Sansa and Clary drag a protesting Katniss to her seat as someone comes to the microphone)

Percy: Did you guys know that Katniss first started training for the Hunger Games while still at Camp Half-Blood? Well, that story was about a girl and her training in Camp Half-Blood. (audience laughs; Katniss shakes her head)

Harry: I believe that Katniss should have gone to Hogwarts; they could have used her there...as target practice! (audience laughs; Katniss frowns, which is hard to do with tape across her mouth) Hey, you roasted me first, I roast you back. It's poetic justice! (audience laughs)

Meggie: I always knew that reading the Hunger Games would be bloody; by the time I got done with the first chapter of the story, blood was all over the book! (audience laughs)

Artemis (Fowl): If I had a dollar for every time that someone mentioned how great the Hunger Games movie was not going to be, you know what? I'd buy out the entire channel! (audience laughs)

Tribute #15: Sometimes, Katniss says things that make me feel small. Other times, she says some things that make me feel insecure. And there are times when she...(record scratch)

Peeta: Dude, this is a roast. You're supposed to make jokes about Katniss.

Tribute #15: Roast? But I thought that this was the episode where we tell everyone about what we really think of her! (audience laughs)

Bella: Kat, your hunting skills are impressive, but it takes a real expert to determine what to hunt for and also, I think you might have shot Quil by mistake the last time we went out. (audience laughs; Katniss tries to protest)

Lyra: Katniss, even without the alethiometer, there's no way that you can beat me! (audience laughs)

Tyrion: While her story is impressive, I will admit that I can beat her in a fight. And not by hunting instincts alone either. I'm not sure if she would win at the Game of Thrones.

Audience: Oooooooooohhhhhh!!!

Tyrion: What I meant to say was, the mockingjay would so get beaten out by the lion. (audience laughs)

Eragon: Well, I have a few things that I'd like to say about Katniss, mainly about...

Spencer: Sorry, but we're gonna have to wrap this one up, folks!

Eragon: Oh come on! I was just getting started!

Spencer: But now we have to end it. I bet that you would all like to have a few words from our guest of honor. (applause from audience as Clary rips the duct tape from Katniss's mouth)

Katniss: Man, I thought this thing would never be over! And now I have some things that I want to say: Percy, I was never at Camp Half-Blood, and the fight against that monster was just practice. Harry, you are a flat-out loser who has no business putting me and that piece of crap that you call a school together in the same sentence. And here's some poetic justice for you: I'm going to have Tribute #15 kill you just for making up that ludicrous claim. Artemis, there's no way that the government would sell the Hunger Games to you...

Artemis: Of course they would...if the money's right.

Katniss: Tyrion, if you were any shorter, I'd step on you. Lyra, I'm not sure that your little compass would tell you how to beat me. Bella, that incident concerning Quil was an accident...

Jacob: Oh, *sure* it is! Quil couldn't walk for a week after that. And plus I heard that Stephenie Meyer liked your story; how dare you impress her with that story about kids killing kids on national TV!

Bella and Edward: Shut up, Jacob!

Katniss: Yes, Jacob, you are annoying and I can't wait until YOU get roasted! Anyway, Meggie, if the book makes you sick, don't read it out loud. Quil, sorry for shooting you. Eragon, nobody likes you. And as for Spencer, I feel sorry for you, your entire story is messed up. And I'd like you all to meet the Katniss Everdeen Fan Club! (everyone flees from the room as hordes of Hunger Games fans swarm the studio. Spencer and Katniss are the only ones left standing on the stage.)

Spencer: Well, all I have to say is I'm Spencer Hastings and this has been the roasting of Katniss Everdeen! Goodnight, everyone! (applause from audience. scene fades to black. credits roll)