Sirens: The Letter To My Late Daughter

Sirens

March 28th, 2015. The day that I felt every emotion in my soul leave. The day I felt I had lost it all, though I had nothing to my name besides my dream of having a stable family while working my dream job as mangaka. I can always remember that day clearly. Where all I remember was waking to my mother awaking me at five in the morning — throwing on anything I can find, ready to rush to the house of my spouse, the only woman I want to be my wife... after that call, what was I to do? Getting in the car, and having my father drive me all the way to the , getting blocked off by cops and ambulance blaring their sirens as I hopped out and ran to the apartment in which my love and daughter had lived.

"I'm sorry, you cannot go in there!"

"Please! Just let me in, I am the father of that girl, just let me in!"

The words that followed behind is the words that took the very being out of me. The words that still echoes in my ears to as I attempt to dream.

"Are you David Thornton? Yes, the mother informed us you were coming. We can't let you in, but we regret to inform you that you're daughter is unresponsive."

"What...?"

That was it, that was last I ever felt true to myself. Everything I wanted to work for had no more meaning to me... I just wanted to be awoken from what I prayed to be dream, regardless of how real it felt. I punched the pillar in front of me, that's when I realized everything was real... the heartbreaking pain, the aching realization I was awake...

This is all I can remember about the day I lost you... I have no memory of anything that happened after that. At least, not for the few weeks I continued to grieve. All I have left is an empty shell of a man, nothing more then someone who just goes along with the bullshit life throws at him, excuse my French, Maiyah.

All I can do nowadays is work, keep your mother happy, go to school and go home and pretend my life is doing great as I distract my feeble mind with games of Xenoverse 2, Overwatch, and Persona 5. At this point, I can't tell you how many times I have hung with your Uncle Robbie and Uncle Jordan and laughed the day away just for them to leave and I emotionally collapse to the point where all I have done is cry myself away to bed or more thoughts to just giving in and attempting suicide. I am nothing more than a shell of what I wished to be.

These days, I barely dream about being what I wanted to be, all I do with my time now is just playing games and researching about time, knowing the difference between time manipulation and time control as if I will suddenly come up with a way to go back to the month I was able to see you in physical form, and not just a simple picture... You are all I want at this point in time. I just wanted to see you grow up into the young woman I only hoped to see you become.

You know, it's funny. I tell your Uncle Robbie this all the time, but, when you were born I had a dream about your fifth birthday. You were blowing out your candles as your mother, Uncle Robbie, Uncle Jordan and their significant others, your grandparents on both sides and I all stood beside you and cheered.

That is the closest I'll ever really feel to true happiness now. Sure, this emotion can truly be attained again someday through the power of love, maybe with your mother. Maybe through money... Or maybe with me joining you as our soul walks amongst the land of the living... Maybe that is how I truly wish to be.

Maybe what I truly wish for is to have a family of my own again, sure, I can try again later, but the thought of not having you here would still be overbearing... I'm sorry, I've done nothing but blabber on about my wants, or is it my needs? Who knows anymore.

All I know is that no matter what, I cannot get over this giant wall I have yet to attempt and jump over, I just merely accepted that I cannot go any further. I have come to the realization I have nothing more to love for at this point in time, outside of living for your mother.

But even then, I don't know how long my mind will allow me to do that before giving up like I have done with everything else... Maiyah, to you I say — I'm sorry. I never meant to be such a failure to you and your mother... All I have thought of myself was this.

I was the happiest person in that room the day of your birth; I couldn't wait until I got to hold you in my arms, tears flowing from my eyes as I knew my real purpose, which was to protect and take care of you and your mother. But, I couldn't even do that...

I never felt like the father I should have been to you... I had no job, and no one would hire me... I never got to buy you a single thing while you were here... Not clothing, formula, toys. Nothing...

Damn it.

All I feel now is an empty shell of who I should be, the only real emotion is love — given the fact that I still have lots of love for your mother, despite being with her for seven years. I just can't get over the fact that I lost you to the point where there isn't much left of me now.

All I ask that you wait for me in the afterlife, while I get ready to see you in the coming years. While I see the same faint lights and the same faint sounds of cop cars and ambulances while I look for you in the afterlife.

Yeah, that's what I want at this point, I want nothing but the last memory of mine to be the blaring reminder I am leaving, while I see and hear nothing but sirens.

See you soon...