Paint You the Way You Are

ARTIFICIAL STARS AND A FLYING SHOE

HYUNJIN

As soon as I cross the doorstep into Felix's bedroom, his hand lands on my wrist, pulling me further into the space. One second, I see the door close abruptly and the next Felix is kissing me. I'm so surprised that I almost fall backwards. His hands are on my belt and every sane cell that could tell me what's going on dies in that moment.

My calves hit the bed frame and I fall into the covers. One second, I get on my elbows, the other is Felix sitting on top of me, kissing me again.

He pulls up my shirt and starts taking it off. My heart is in my throat, and I can't breathe at all.

Shit.

While I thought about wishing what he said today wasn't just a tease, I didn't think he could really mean it. But wishing he meant it didn't prepare me for what was happening right now.

I grab his collar and try to push him away, but he won't let me.

'Felix,' I say into his mouth. Thankfully, he reacts to this and pulls away. His eyes are like crazy, and I finally take a breath. Both breathing so loud I think we can be heard across the whole apartment.

I think about what to say, how to get out of this situation, but all I can do is just stare into his eyes. The beautiful dark eyes where the most magnificent things are hidden; the eyes that seduce and tempt me in my sleep; the eyes that I love the most.

'I can't, I'm sorry,' I put my hand over my mouth and watch his reaction.

I wait and wait. My heart sinking with anxiety.

He doesn't move he just stares at me, still breathing faster.

'Okay.' He says after a moment, dropping onto the bed next to me. I stare at the ceiling and feel like an idiot. But I'm really not ready. For any sex-related thing. Especially not with a guy. It's true that I like him, a lot, no doubt, but I'm still freaking out at the idea of us having sex now.

'It's not you, it's me. I've just never done it before. Not just with a guy, just in general. In fact, you're the first person I've come close to doing it with.' My honesty scares me. I think about how it doesn't matter to tell him the truth, whatever it is.

'What?' His reaction startles me. He raises up on his elbows and looks down at me. 'You haven't slept with anyone yet?' He's so surprised that I have to get up on my elbows too.

'No. I've been with someone a few times, but it's never went this far.' We stare into each other's eyes as my words trail off.

'Shit.' He says and lays back down. I'm the one staring down on him this time.

'Is it that bad?' I say feeling my cheeks burning. I can feel my thoughts drifting to the one thing I'd rather not think about at all. Who was he sleeping with?

'No, it's not bad at all, I just... What you said to me in the studio today. You kind of surprised me with that.' I chuckle at that.

'You started it. With what you said to me, you turned me on. I wanted to get back at you. But I didn't think it would bring us both this far.' That was true because what happened in the bathtub was anything but normal. I knew he meant what he said the second he pulled me into the room. I wanted him to mean it, but now, unprepared, without a single experience, I feel like I fucked up.

'I know, but you were... so. Well, you know.' He says, and I lie back down on my back. I shouldn't have said anything back then. I should have just taken his words and not tried to retaliate.

'Turned on? Yeah.' I mean, come on, he was pushing himself on me so hard, I can't believe he wouldn't have reacted the same way.

A terrible silence fills the room that neither of us wants to break; the light from the night Seoul illuminates the ceiling above us and I can't take my eyes off it.