I saw you again today, and it hurt.

I Saw You Again Today

            

I saw you again today;

It hurt.

It physically hurt to see you.

Isn't weird how at one point; it physically hurt not to see you. Isn't funny how a shape of a sentence can change everything drastically? It's not funny. Just a simple sentence can make kissing you impossible. It can make me want to puke and scratch my skin off in nervousness just from seeing you again when that used to bring me immense joy. Why did you change things? If you were happy, why did you say that sentence?

What is happiness? Because for me, it was you.

It was your smile, your voice, your laugh, your eyes, your nicknames for me, your kisses, your hugs. But that's gone now. Does that mean I can never be happy again? No, that can't be true; I'm always happy. Are you really? If you say so then why do you cry at night when no one sees? If so, then why is your head filled with nothing but self-doubt and depressing words? If you are always happy, then why do you hurt yourself? If you're happy, then why are you sad? Do you fake happiness to get through the day? Or have you been faking it for so long you've forgotten what it feels like to truly be happy? Can I truly be happy without you? I don't think I can, not like I was before.  You made me truly happy. Without my permission, you made it your personal goal to become my sun; the one thing that keeps me together; My life-support.

Then you pulled the plug.

But not like you should with a Band-Aid, no. You did it slowly, and painfully, with words like; "Maybe we can try again?" Rip. "Maybe we can hang out on the weekend?" Riip. "I love you" Riiiip. Just slow enough that I still had hope that you'd stop, but you never did. And just when I thought I was over you, Rip.

I saw you again today, it hurt.

And everything fell. The pedestal I had built to rise above this, fell. It crumbled to pieces like my heart fell right through the cracks between your hard-worked fingers. Like sand; the most unstable building material, yet we all still try to build sandcastles. Hoping they don't fall, when we always know they won't last. I was sand, and you were the tide. Coming over and loving me just enough, then leaving. Sometimes you would come almost close enough, then cancel your plans. But then one day you came too close. And you destroyed me. Crashed through my walls and broke my stability. Leaving as I broke alone.

I saw you again today,

and it hurt.

It physically hurt to see you.

Your eyes may not be blue, but you lured me out to sea and left me stranded. Without a boat, and without shelter from the downpour of rejection; "sorry, I have cadets"

"sorry I couldn't make it" "Maybe we can try again?"

It pounds against my skull as I nodded and said; "I'm Fine."

I'm not Fine. I just don't want you to worry about me.