I Love You

How does one go from "I Love You" to not even being able to have a conversation?

How does one go from rolling over in the night to warmth and arms to curl into to rolling over to a cold pillow and an empty bed?

How can I go from what I've gotten used to living to actually living a new beginning?

I've loved. I've loved all I could and it wasn't enough.

I've fought. I've fought for what we had but you didn't think it true.

You say it was my fault but it was yours too. You blame it all on me but think yourself the innocent one.

You cut my feelings to the bone. It was my fault that I had problems that burdened you.

You threatened to leave or kill yourself saying "It'll be better for you if I weren't here" when all I wanted was to feel loved and safe when you were near.

How can I go from crying and fighting for a worthless relationship with a man to a happy, triumphant love in another?

How have I been so blind to see the pain you've caused?

You put me down, made me feel like I wasn't worth the time. You stopped trying. That hurt.

What hurt more? When you started to not listen when I'd say "Stop" or "No".

When you started to become the man I no longer know.

The man who hurt me in ways I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

How can I look at you and not even recognize you?

You are not the same man I fell in love with. You are a man who doesn't even deserve that title.

If and when I do say "I Love You". It won't be to the man standing in front of me. It'll be to the man I thought you were.

How can I be happy and positive and confident when you are not with me?

Well, that's just it. You were never really with me except in body. The only one to ever really love me and care for me, you kept me from.

When I finally ignored you and fully reveled in Him, I saw the lies and the abuse and the pain you subjected me to. I looked to Him and I saw love, forgiveness and hope.

How can I be strong when all I want to do is cry because of you? Because Jesus is holding me up saying "Be not afraid".

"Be not afraid." "You are loved." "You are special." "My child, you are meek whereas I am strong. I carry your burdens." He says.

I cry not because I am a broken, damaged mess that you left me in, but because my God loves me and makes me whole and finished.

I am not weak and afraid anymore because of you.

I am strong and brave because of His real and true love for me.

When I look back at the damage you caused me, I say "Thank You, Lord" because without you and your making me a broken, lost mess I would've probably never had found my Jesus and rediscovered His love for me.

So to you I say "Thanks" because without you I wouldn't be able to say "I Love You".