Lost

WWI

 "Argh!" I choked, trying to get air to flow back in my system. Dying by the minute, body parts flying, and people screaming. Bratatat, bratatat! The sound of planes shooting the machine guns at the ground as if they trapped us in a closet. Boom! Glancing around to realize what I was in. Nnneeaowww!

"Get out the way!!" Sergeant Thomas yelled. Boom! More body parts flying from the plane that crashed. Losing hope, feelings, and hearing. Running, trying to catch myself from falling. Boom! Knocked from my feet and losing consciousness. Blank white background is the only thing I seen.

It was a nice summer day, but not a good day. My family has always been poor. Some days I don't even get to eat. My mother and father are never home. They're always looking for jobs, so they can support my brother and I. The only money that is coming in was all my money. I understand that when you are poor you are going to need to share. My family only lives off of $5 a week.

"Stay here, don't do anything stupid!" I told my brother. I left the worn down house where the wooden staircase is all busted up. The wind was blowing and the sun was shining. I was wearing the same dirty and raggedy clothes from last week. My hair was greasier than a restaurant. I had knots in my hair that would be impossible to get out. I went to go look for a job by going to random businesses asking if they were hiring. Most of them denied me due to the fact that they didn't need anyone. Something caught my eye when I turned 30 degrees.

A soldier yelled, " we need more men!" I seen this as an opportunity of getting paid. I was walking in peacefully towards the soldier.

"How much are you willing to pay?" I asked.

"We can discuss this when you join." The soldier replied. There were a lot of things going through my mind right now. What if I never come back from the war? What if I come home and everything is gone, especially my family? I mean at the same time I could be helping my family out in so many ways. I was always known for blending in with people, but also known for being a weak coward. The soldier gave me a ticket for the train and a piece of paper. I realized the ticket was for a train ride to a military base, so I could get training. The train was coming in three days, but at this time I really didn't pay much attention to him as if he was never there. It felt like if I was the only child in my family.

It was July 28th and the train had come to pick up everybody that wanted to be soldiers. My brother came with me to the train without even saying anything.

"What are you doing, Adam go home, stop following me!" I yelled.

"I'm going to the train to help mom and dad out, so they don't have to be looking for jobs." Adam replied.

"Wait, why are you going to the train?" I asked. "Did you sign up to be in the army?"

"Yes Albert, I joined the army to help mom and dad out, but at least they will get to eat while we watch over our country." Adam replied.

Adam and I could hear the train coming. Chooga, chooga, chooga, choo-choo! We got our tickets out and got on the big train. The train ride felt so long like if we were riding the train to our destiny. I knocked out hoping time will go by faster.

Deafening sounds were coming outside the train, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. My heart was beating so fast like if I had an adrenaline rush.

"Get out the train now!" A soldier yelled. Everybody got out as fast as they could. It took about 3 months to complete our training. Training was hell they were breaking us down to make us better soldiers. They want us to survive on the battlefield instead of dying so fast.

October 19th, 1916 is when we got sent to the war against Germany. I tried to stick with my brother, so that I could look after him. Boom, Boom, Boom Boom! People's guts flying everywhere like if it was raining blood . My brother pulled me down into a crater. We tumbled down the crater and I scraped my face.

"I'm going to get out the crater, and run to another crater that's closer." Adam whispered.

"No don't leave!" I yelled.

"We have to gain more ground or the Germans are going to take over." Adam said. Bratatat, bratatat, bratatat! Freezing up thinking my brother died from one of these gun shots. A German soldier comes down the crater. He tried grabbing me by my shoulder without saying anything . I grabbed my shovel and whacked him against his head in fear. Blood squirted all over me. I looked at Adam realizing I killed my own brother. Now I knew why he put the German uniform on to survive from the Germans just to make it back to the crater. I ran out the crater trying to make it to another crater. Bratatat, bratatat, bratatat! I froze up like if I was stuck in motion.

"Va combattre!" Sergeant Thomas yelled. Nnneeaowww! Planes fighting, shooting their machine guns at us. A plane is about to down to the ground. "Sortir de la voie!" Sergeant Thomas yelled again. I couldn't do anything my body couldn't move. Boom! Losing vision, can't breathe, dying slowly, and blanking out.

October 22th, 1916 is the day I lost both my leg and arm. I woke up in the hospital screaming as loud I could. I was crying from what happened during the war. I could hear my brothers voice whisper something in my ear. Losing my mind, going crazy, and can't think straight. My body was shutting down as if I was falling asleep.

Roman--

I think this is a pretty interesting and well developed story. My concern with your story actually has little to do with plot. Leslie helped you out a lot with your grammar, but I think you need to read through this story again carefully and make sure that all of your sentences have a subject and a verb. For example, in the first few sentences, you write, "Dying by the minute, body parts flying, and people screaming." This is not a complete sentence. Who is dying by the minute? You are missing a subject. You do this numerous times throughout the story, and it can be confusing for the reader. Does this make sense? If not, we can talk during class one of these days. Let me know if you need me to explain this further. I think you do a nice job of "showing" rather than just telling. I appreciate that.

-Aubrey