Love Me So I Don't Have To - COMPLETED

1.6

I remember. I remember so much yet feel like I forgot nearly everything. Maybe I just want to forget everything. It's been almost nearly two years since it ended and even longer since the start, but I am not over it.

I have absolutely no feelings for him. I don't love him. I don't miss him. I don't long for what I never had in the first place. I just cannot get over what happened.

Recently, he and I spoke. Technically, I can't even count it comsidering the fact I was asking over Facebook Messenger if he could do a backflip out of "curiosity." In reality, his ex and I were just wanting to know for future reference in case he were to jump off the nearest cliff.

The thing is, I want to talk to him again. I want to have another, and more, conversations with him. I want to get to know him again and him to know me. I want to ask what his favorite color is again just for him to remind me he is colorblind but this time question the validity of his statement.

I want to argue about whether Bring Me The Horizon or Infant Annihilator is better once more. I want to send him pictures of my cats. I want to tell him the secrets I never got to tell him before and to listen to the ones he never got to tell me. I want to be a big part of his life.

I want him to adore me. I want him to smile when he sees my name on his phone. I want him to ask if we could hang out the coming up weekend with friends. I want to talk about conspiracy theories with him again. I want him to miss me during the hour and a half I'm gone every Sunday. I want him to wait eagerly for my morning text. I want him to feel sad when I say goodnight.

I want him to imagine holding me in his arms and only feel disappointed once his eyes open. I want to pop up in his dreams. I want him to see me in every stranger who passes by him on the streets. I want him to think of me everytime he hears something about Harry Potter, coffee, or animals.

I want him to think he means so much to me. I want him to think I'd do anything to make sure my good friend is happy. I want to convince him I'll always be there for him. I want to make him believe I would never hate him or ignore him like he had said to me before. I want him so in my life to where he ends up being friends with my boyfriend.

I need to have him so attached to me. I long to constantly be on his mind. I have an urge to have him fall into a pit full of some degree of attraction towards me. I need him to write about me amd listen to songs that remind him of my being.

I have to show him every ounce of my charisma. I have to have him adore me. I have to have him long to be closer to me. I have to get my laugh and smile stuck in his head. I have to make him think about me in the late hours, trying to figure me out to the max.

He needs to feel what I did. He needs to go through what I went through. He needs to go through the friendship, infatuation, and hurt. He needs to have feelings so strong and questionable, they hurt. He needs to want to do anything to see me happy. He needs me to use him. He needs to just go with it and hope for something. He needs me to drop him. He needs months of no contact.

He needs his heart to ache like mine admittedly did. He needs to feel sad and betrayed for the longest time. He needs to distract himself. He needs to be angry and petty. He needs to accept reality. He needs to think nothing of me. He needs to see me in the girls he holds. He needs to look back at my typed words when he's drunk. He needs to regret me. He needs to loose all feelings for me. He needs to constantly be affected by what I did to him.

I want him to fucking hurt like I did. The thing is, I'm going to make it hurt worse for him this time around than it did for me then.