That night I leaned against the wall nervously staring at my phone waiting for a reply. I never got one. I texted will saying I'm heading home. If there was anything I have learned about this relationship with Erin, I could proudly say I was utterly in love with her. However, I too had been seen in her eyes as just another disappointment. I would forever remember this night and well, day, to be the trigger of my downfall.
The next day I went into work hungover on my tears. Platt looked at me with pity and I hated it. The unit joined together to introduce a new case. I avoided all eye contact with Voight. There was no point in asking him where she went. She was gone. Minutes quickly turned into weeks and it only seemed to get worse. I downed my sorrows three times a week letting the warm liquid make me forget.
2 weeks later
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The familiar sound filled my ears. Jacobs was about three meters away from me and he had been hit. No grievance came because I, myself was about to die as well. I sat behind a poorly constructed wall and observed all the dead soldiers surrounding me. Five were thankfully alive. I gathered them close to me to get them out of the gunfire. "Alright, Matthews you cross the street and we will follow accordingly." I was the end of the line to watch their backs. All of a sudden, I hear it. No time had slowed down for me to warn them. A heavy rain of gunfire fell from the building across from us. Three immediately died from a headshot. "JAY, HELP ME PLEASE." One of the surviving soldiers had a taken a bullet to his chest. Crimson red blood enveloped my hands. "Please, tell my wife and children they mean everything to me." "No come on buddy stay with me." "DON'T LEAVE ME," I scream as tears escape.
"JAY, IT'S OVER." "OPEN YOUR EYES JAY."
I am leaning against a truck in the middle of the road surrounded by my unit. My PTSD threw me into a flashback. Voight and Olinsky are crouched down beside me luring me back into reality. I feel my body shaking and tears staining my cheeks. I take big deep breaths to help me. I am completely embarrassed. Then I remember what I was doing here. Ten minutes ago the unit and I went to end a drug deal. I am in utter shock when I realize it was the shooting of Ruzek's gun that triggered my episode. We all head back to the district and Voight tells me to wait in his office. He closes the door and shuts the blinds. I've noticed his demeanor changed, almost gentler. "What's going on Jay?" I try to think of something that won't work up my emotions. "I have been struggling... Uh.. For the past few weeks with controlling my PTSD." My voice drops as I continue my sentence. "I have always known you to be intact with your morals, that is one of the reasons I'm glad you are in intelligence. " "You keep me in check with well... What's left of mine," he smirks. "What I'm getting at is that, I can't have someone not in their right mind in this line of duty." "Halstead don't let this be your downfall." He states. My jaw drops. "So, between the two of us you will be doing less work in the fields until you are better." "Sarge I am fully..." no you aren't he says. "So you are gonna walk out there and do your work." "I'm not getting rid of you, I'm just trying to help you."
