Spring Poetry Contest

Over Half A Year Later (@exitiosius_palmarius)

"Over Half A Year Later.

I remember the last time I saw you, and you questioned me on why I didn't maintain eye contact when you'd lean in to kiss me.

And I remember that the words I spoke told you that I didn't love myself to the extent that I didn't believe you could love the wreck I was, that if you looked into my eyes long enough, you'd see the flaws beneath the exterior and you'd see the soul I despised about myself.

I don't believe I lied, I don't believe that in that moment that that wasn't the complete truth.

And now, it's been over half a year since I shut you out and cut you off. It's been over half a year since I allowed you to flood my thoughts daily and plant a smile on my face, the happiest smile that anyone ever had the ability to grant me. And now, over half a year later I don't believe I'd even be able to look you in the eyes, regardless of the action that could be taking place.

Hell, I don't believe I'd even be able to look at you in general.

Because if I dared to look at you now, over half a year later, I wouldn't be able to help myself and I'd have the same old, overwhelming desire to kiss you.

Except now, over half a year later I can't just kiss you.

Because now, over half a year later, I'm supposed to be over you and I've moved on to someone new, and somehow I'm supposed to completely forget the fact that I once loved you.

But how can I say that in a past tense when now, over half a year later, I still finding myself craving your soft caress, still craving your mouth to be placed over mine and craving your fingertips to be tracing down my spine because god damn, I miss you.

I miss you like the wolves miss the full moon, I miss you like the sand misses the dunes that the wind ripped them away from, I miss you like a daughter misses the scent of their mother's pie when they walk into a bakery right after that woman died and none of the desirable pastries quite give the same cinnamon breath.

I miss you.

And although I don't find myself mourning your absence quite as regularly as I used to, there are nights that I do and those nights still cut a hole right through my heart that is struggling so hard to mend itself, those nights still have me crying into my pillow not knowing if the loss hurts more than the cramps in my stomach my desperate sobs have created.

I miss you and I can't express how if I took once glance into your precious, story tale eyes that I wouldn't be able to resist my urge to kiss you despite it being over half a year later and I having moved on to someone new.

Perhaps I don't exactly love him, perhaps he makes me happy with his spur of the moment attitude and excitement for the little things, perhaps I just know that if I never once loved you that I'd be able to love him.

But isn't that just the thing? I did love you, I loved you so completely that it swallowed my pride, my dignity and I found myself falling head over heels despite the fact that I had never believed in the word love beforehand. I've always been so petrified of heights and yet I found myself falling for you so hard I might as well have flung my body from a cliff's ledge. And throughout the year we had been almost together but not quite, never once did I pronounce to you that I loved you.

At least, not in a serious manner. Perhaps joking in a way that just gave off the vibe that whatever sarcastic comment I made hadn't been meant literally and with a nervous laugh and a pray that you wouldn't be angry I'd say a quick 'love you'.

And sometimes I wonder if that's the reason I never have been able to completely get over you, because I regretted not saying it every time you'd leave back to the city after we'd see each other briefly over the span of a night, always told myself that I can say it next time and always stupidly put it off. And now, over half a year later, there is no next time and silly, naive me who didn't believe in such fairytales as love, missed her chance.

So now, over half a year later, I'll continue to try get over you, and I'll continue to regret not pronouncing those words, and I'll continue to attempt to love this boy I've chosen as someone new.

Because he is a marvellous person, that anyone would be lucky to have, just at the end of the day, he could never compare to you. And I don't believe anyone ever could."