Poetry

11.11 p.m

I knew the moment I write this that I'll find myself ridiculous. But I need to write something down, I always do. Writing is like a therapy, especially when you're in a pain of feelings that you can't really understand.

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I was listening to a playlist that I made for us, our playlist. Fill with the songs that I listened to when I was with you, the song that you listened to when you told my friend that you miss me, the songs that express our feelings better than our own words. I was not crying, and I don't know if this was a progress or this was worse. I smiled through the songs, from "James Dean and Audrey Hepburn" to "Stop Crying Your Heart Out". I'll admit a few teardrops but it's not a sad tears, more like irony tears. I'm on my way back to home, where you are, where my heart is. And at the same time I'm aware that you are no longer my home, no longer a place I can share my emotions.

I miss you. I tried a couple times to suppress this sting of pain every time I remember you till I finally let it all go. Some days it felt like I'm a brand new and most days it felt like I should call you. I recall our last moment, damn, it was perfect. The prom and our last cup of coffee together. Moments before you completely shut me down with no explanation, not even a single word. You leave my heart on the line. I want you to take my heart, I don't care if you break it or heal it. All you do now is leave without it, leaving me empty. Vacancy.

I watched Teen Wolf the other day and there is a mom talking to her broken-hearted son. She said that he can love again, he will love again and it can be as hard and as painful as his last love. At that moment I really want to believe her. I want to love again. I've been questioning myself if I can ever love anyone else this hard. I want my heart to beat so fast I can feel it in my chest, because someone is there in front of my house. I want to have a coffee talk till midnight where my brain barely function properly. I want to blush. I want to feel my knees go weak either it's because the cold wind our a peaceful laugh. I want to fall in love again, I want to recover from my first heart break.

What a shame I haven't met anyone like you, and what a moron I am that I want someone just like you. I don't need a guy who can text back fast and call me baby. I want it just like how you did it. Leave me for hours just to send me a long ass paragraph. Let's talk about our favorite band, let's laugh at our stupid friends, let's stay awake till 3 a.m because we afraid that we might miss each other too much if we sleep. I don't find it in anybody else, and maybe that's why none of my hundreds goodbyes are true.

I'm selfish, I know. I wrote "I want" for probably over 10 times. Selfish, is it? I never knew what you want, you never good with words and it was okay. You always find a way to explain things to me since the first day, but now, even after 10 months, I still don't understand why you walk away. I feel stupid for asking our old friends just to know how you're doing. I feel, weak. Empty. I can't do this on my own. I can't break this barrier that you built between us, it's like I take down one brick and you just put another two bricks.

But it's okay. People change and it's alright. I just hope the moon shines wherever you are, you'd have a cup of black coffee while you play your favorite song. And you'd remember the feel of being complete instead of stuck on a puzzle. You'd remember me, and how we fell in love. Until then we're mature enough to understand that first love isn't always worked out the way we wanted it to be.