Four months later
Chicago has cooled down and so has my love for Erin. I still think about her. The beautiful girl I wanted to marry. But that Erin Lindsay is out of sight. The "current," Erin left me like she never even cared for me. I feel no hatred, just numbness. No replies from the messages I had sent and no phone calls. I honestly just figured this would happen since she did it one time before. When Nadia died. What I've realized is that she had such big walls built that even though I did hurt her by walking out she is so used to it. I'm just like every other disappointment in her life.
I secretly drink since will works late shifts. I go to bars that are unfamiliar to our unit. I drink and down another numbing my entity. A lovely lady sits beside me. My night consists of taking her to my place and fucking her. I don't care for long term relationships since I was with Erin. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.
"Halstead you're partnered with Upton." Voight partnered me and Hailey together about two weeks ago. We were still getting to know each other, but so far I thought she was pretty and a great detective. In the back of my mind though, I could never compare her to Erin. Hailey and I go to question a victim's family about her boyfriend. We stop at a gas station to fuel up and she goes inside to pee. A few minutes later she comes out with two coffees. "I don't know too much about you, but I'm hoping this will give me some info." I laugh. "Did you really just buy me a coffee to profile me?" I smirk as I say. "Well you could put it that way, but the way I see it is... Either you like coffee or you don't or you prefer a different flavor" She explains. "So you are basing my personality off of a beverage?" I ask. "Basically" she laughs. Man she is clever I think to myself. We finish speaking to the mother of the victim and it is blatantly obvious that her boyfriend killed her. We head down to the station and Voight tells us since we have an arrest and there are no more cases we can head home. I was planning on ordering pizza and going to sleep early but as I am walking out I hear a friendly voice call my name. "Hey you like Black Hawks right?" "Yeah, how'd you know?" I ask. "I overheard your conversation with Will." "I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight and watch the game" she states. "Okay yeah just text me the info and I'll be there." I smile back.
Three hours later
I am laughing so hard that I can't even breathe. Hailey has tears rolling down her face from laughter. I think both of us being drunk right now probably isn't helping. We both calm down and realize how comfortable we are. She has her head in my lap and I begin to play with strands of her hair. She quickly sits up and straddles my thighs. "So tell me about yourself Jay Halstead." "Well for starters I'm a cop" I state. She laughs "really, I never would've guessed?" She runs the palms of her hands across my chest. " I uh... I like motorcycles..." She grinds her hips slowly against me. I can't stand it anymore. I grab her face and begin kissing her. My tongue grazes her bottom lip asking for entrance and it proceeds. Pretty soon things get heated and we head to her bedroom. We end up having great sex.
The next morning Hailey drops me off at my place to grab new clothes. As I step inside of my apartment I smell something that reminds me of Matthews. I start thinking about the good times we had but it quickly ends with the vivid images of his death. My shaking eventually stops and my sweating does too. My exhaustion and sadness, however; will last me the rest of the day. At this point I know I am going to be late for work. Voight will be upset with me. I change my clothes and look in the mirror. Big dark circles have settled under my eyes. This is probably the worst day to happen because we have a new case dealing with murder and something with terrorists but all I know is I need to give it my all.
I slowly walk in and see Voight presenting the facts on the board. We make eye contact and right then and there I know he's mad. I quickly catch another look in his eyes and its worry. Why would he be worrying about me? I thought to myself. I get hit with the sadness I felt earlier as I entered the bullpen. The air felt stale and my hearing deafened out. My body had an unsettling feeling. I Stop mid walk when I see her. Just standing there. She can't even look at me. I stare at her for a good three seconds before I start to walk to my chair and sit down. I felt some tears arise as I began to think back to the night she left. The feeling that she left me with will never leave me. I fidget with my fingers and stare into blankness for the rest of the case. "Halstead my office now!" Voight barks. I get up and make my way to the chair. "How are you?" he asks. "I'm fine." He sighs and rubs his forehead with his thumb. "Was it your PTSD?" He asks. I look up at him. "Yep" I reply shortly. "You need to take time off" he replied. "Yep" I say again not making eye contact. "Is there something I'm not aware of" he asks. I bitterly smirk "You know I've been asking myself that question for a while now." "Excuse me" he becomes defensive. " I just don't get it... I serve my country and get no respect instead I get this PTSD shit." I spit bitterly. My voice slowly rising as I make my problem clear. "I fall deeply in love for a girl and well what do ya know PTSD comes back!" "I loved that girl so much that I would voluntarily give my life over and over just to see her smile." "But I can't have that" I reply with tear brimmed eyes. "I had the ring, I was gonna propose but she left." "No goodbye, nothing." "I texted her and called her and got absolutely nothing." "Do you know how terrible I felt seeing her do this all over again, like after Nadia was murdered." "I'm just another disappointment in her eyes." "But her opinion shouldn't even be relevant... Wanna know why?" "Because she broke my heart." "And then she comes back here acting like she had never even seen me." "Did I even mean anything to her?" "Every 'I love you' wasted?" "For months I couldn't sleep because of her and I couldn't function because of PTSD." "I was always there for her when she was going through something, but the one time when I felt like I had been stripped of everything she wasn't there." My heart sinks deeper and deeper. "I thought I was done with the repercussions of our relationship but I realize that I can't even like someone without the fear of it becoming long term." My voice is breaking as I continue. "I can't love because of Erin." I feel the tears that have stained my face. I feel the clenching of anger in my jaw. I feel my leg shaking. I look up at Voight and I think he still is trying to piece it together. He gets up and tells me to stay here. He returns with my bag and jacket and shuts the door. "I didn't know." "I should've asked and I'm sorry for not asking how you were." "Jay I want the best for you so I'm gonna ask that you see a specialist that I know" he hands me the card. I scoff at the action. "I'm putting you on a forced furlough for as much time as needed for your recovery." I am truly angry, a feeling I haven't felt in months. I just nod at all the things he's saying not really caring. I hand him my badge and gun. I wonder how I have fallen so far. I wipe off the tears on my face and stand up. He opens the door and escorts me out of the bullpen to my car. The nicest thing he has done for me in a while.
