I always thought that I would have the most to say when it came to this, but no, here I find myself speechless.
I find myself running out of things to write about. But so much on my mind and in my thoughts that need to be relieved in some way. I'm just tired of hearing myself complain and if I do then I know everyone else around me does too.
This is a battle you have to choose to fight every day and I'm too tired and can't keep up so I planned this all out because I thought this might give me a sense of purpose but the closer I get to the end, the more I realize that this is probably the best choice. Actually, I know.
I wanted to fill up these pages with something worth feeling but I just needed to get the last bit out. Even if people didn't like it. Even if people don't understand it...
I find myself realizing that I don't need to write you anything because you have all the answers. You have the bible, you have the Word so that should be enough for you.
I don't even have an explanation and if you're here searching for one...then I don't know what to say to you.
I'm angry at half of you for using your religion to provide exclusive love with 'ifs', 'ands', 'buts'
You know the things you don't say after you tell someone you love them and I finally get people don't believe in love.
Because you've carried me since birth. You all have. Each sending and praying your blessings upon me with hopes of a future blessed and walked in the Lord.
And even you broadcast this behavior to others. And I realize that you're the type of people I needed to be protected from.
I was given warnings from family members about people who didn't mean me any good and to seek out those who's heart was filled with unconditional love.
But wasn't warned about the aunts and uncles I would see once every 7 years who proclaimed their love for me due to our lineage.
And it was that, that might've been the first to strip me of hope.
I don't think I can accept the faults of you. I'm just angry. I can't put that into a poem. I can't put into any dramatic format to make you understand that what you're doing to our family is fucked up.
And there is a divide. The family will no longer be as united as it once was with my mother and my mothers mother. And my mothers mothers mother.
It ends with us and maybe we're partially to blame but you take a lot of credit. You all do.
I hope your God supports this.
