Mentally Unstable

Part 1

It didnt start today. Over the years I've had to condone multiple mental battles between Me, Myself and I. To make matters worse, the voices I hear in my head has a great influence in my daily life! I find it hard to differentiate between Imagination and reality. And whenever I become mentally unstable, I always feel Im doing the right thing, until I finally snap back and realize Ive created another scene, which will make them call me a mad woman again!

I am not mad, I just have mental fluctuations in my brain. Sometimes it happens when Im stressed, when I think too much, when I Isolate myself from everyone around me, or when I refuse to take my drugs.

I dont like the drugs! Why must the doctor insist I take the drugs every day, doesnt that indirectly make me a drug addict?

I am fine! Nothing is wrong with me! Even if Im truly crazy, my God will heal me!

This was the same thing I said 7years ago when my condition was critical. Now the same symptoms are back again, and it feels like Im getting worse.

But what hurts the most is that Ive not found anyone I can trust. No one I can confide in. No one understands what I go through daily!

My head is constantly spinning! My mind lost in depressing thoughts, and it feels like I'm losing touch with life. Its hard to identify colors and my memory loss is embarrassing. I may remember what happened 10 years ago, but forget what I said 10 minutes ago. Could it be true? Im I truly going mad??

After much persistence, I followed my family to the hospital, and I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I didnt know what that meant, but it sounded better than saying Im mad.

They gave me some drugs to take, and after taking I I swore never to take it again! These drugs make me weak and dizzy. They want to turn me into a drug addict, I refuse to comply!

After 2 months of refusing to take my drugs, my condition became more critical. One day I was carrying my 3years old baby, and a voice in my head kept telling me to drop the baby.

It said the baby has super powers which will manifest only if I dropped her hard on the floor! So I let my baby fall off my handto the hard floor, and she cried non-stop!

Everyone was mad at me especially my husband.

How could you do this to your own child, how could you??

It was then I began to realize what I had done. Maybe I was truly mad!

                                                                         ******

My Baby was screaming at the top of her voice! Obviously, she was experiencing pain that was too much for her age. How could I do this? How could I be so heartless as to let my own baby, this little fragile being fall from my hand and hit her head on the hard surface?? On seeing the blood on her head, I said to myself What an awful Mother you are.

Then the voice came again. This time I could hear it loud and clear!

JUMP..JUMP.JUMP  It kept saying.

Jump you will see that you can fly! I believed it.

I was standing in the corridor of our 3 storey building, then I screamed. I can fly.I can fly..

                                                                      **********

My name is mercy, and I am an 11-year-old cripple. I was not born like this. Daddy said that when I was 3 years, Mummy was not well, so I fell from her hand and broke my leg and severely hit my head on the floor, which affects my brain till now.

I never knew mum but I miss her. Daddy said mommy was so sick, that after I fell from her hand, she kept screaming I Can Fly Jumped off our 3 storey building, hit her head on the floor and died instantly.

I also miss mum because most of the mothers of kids at school come to pick them up, but my mum is not here to do that. If she were here now that daddy is busy with work, she will be playing with me.

Shell explain to me why Im different from other kids. Why other kids think Im strange or why I keep hearing different voices in my head. There are some things I cant discuss with Daddy.

Every day is a nightmare for me. I hope one day Ill find a friend that understands me, and will play with me without thinking Im weird.  I miss you mummy. The voice in my head says Ill see you soon. Let me give them a little more time to see if theyll understand me. If not, Im coming where ever you are. See you soon mum.