A Lifetime​ with Yourself

Memoria

I never planned this series to go in any order, and if I force order on myself, believe it or not I'm way less productive. I tend to just do things the way I want, and they come out way better.

But here's one thing you need to know about me: I have a horrible memory.

It's not that I have short-term memory loss or something. No. I can remember things from my past really easily, just give me a second. Thing is, if we're having a conversation, and you tell me something pivotal, no offense, but I'm going to forget it.

I forget things very easily. And that's a problem. People depend on me for a lot, and this affliction is a huge setback. I honestly do care about letting people tell me things, and I'll try to remember it, but I litterally am just a vacuum of words, where I can take in so much but never protrude stuff back.

My parents say that it's "selective hearing," and in certain situations, sure, I agree. I may not hear all details. But for people like my parents who know that I always seek to be nice and get better as a person, you'd think they'd realize I'd attempt to listen to everything. So why after 17 years am I still this way?

I honestly have no idea. I've come to terms of realizing I need to assume what people mean if I can't remember, and just hope for the best. But when I reveal that, people criticize me, saying stuff like "Why didn't you just ask me if you didn't know?" See, it's not that I don't know every detail and refused to ask and just assumed it's what you meant. It's that I can detect a pattern of expectations and wants, especially the believability of requests. I'm just trying to make it easier for everyone by not insisting being told stuff multiple times, because I can completely relate to the pain of having to repeat yourself over and over again.

It even sucks in public. I go to buy groceries or something, and where normally people will be familiar on what they need to do, I just walk around the store for like 5 to 10 more minutes just thinking. Why don't I leave? Cause I am afraid that I'm going to forget what I need to do to actually buy the stuff, and if I screw that up people are going to assume I don't even own the card I'm using to purchase this stuff if I can't use it correctly.

I'll go on a tangent about my anxiety in the next part. For now, let's stick to memory.

It's not just buying stuff. I forget typical things like birthdays and events, but I'll also forget things like your name. Names are a nightmare. Tell me a location or a street name, and you'll be waiting 10 minutes till I can figure out the place. However, tell me visual directions, detailing what it looks like, and I'll be on top of exactly what you're saying. I don't understand what's with that though. I've tried learning it, but it just never sticks. I will litterally have been on the street just an hour ago, and if you ask me to go down that street by mentioning oy the name, and I'll be lost.

The worst is school information. I'm getting to a point where stuff I'm learning in school just doesn't click like it used to. I'll end up forgetting stuff I used to know on the spot. I litterally have to think through an addition equation nowadays. Why does this happen? I can't understand what happened that made my mind reject new knowledge imput and made it where every time I learn something new, I have to go over it 200 times before I get the gist. And if I'm taking a test, well, bye bye knowledge! The only exception for some reason, is history. I have a huge passion for history, and can remember a lot, though the specifics are a nightmare to recite.

I guess it's my passions I can remember. And you'd be right. I can't​ tell you how to do a quadratic equation off the top of my head or the first ten periodic elements, but I can detail the entirety of a made-up universe I wrote up. I think it's not just passions I can remember, but also repetitive tasks. Give me a task to do, and tell me to do it over and over again, and I'll never forget how to do it. Wonderful how activity is something I can remember, yet not studying.

If repetition is something I like, then I guess that explains my liking towards anything management-wise. Make sure a consistent order is held? I've got it! I really like management, but I tend to get hands on personally. I like to manage things to my own order, since it's something I can memorize, at least to an extent. And by memorize, I mean at least in that moment I know it's completed and I feel satisfied. But I fimd myself coming back later to do it even though it's already done, and then just turning around and leaving once I realize.

I know​ I went on a tangent here. I can't at all remember what I started writing with, but I know I wrote a lot. There's probably something in here that contradicts my statements, though being that I haven't read it back to myself, I have no idea. This is really just part one of three on my memory issues. Part two is speaking, and part three is anxiety around others. Honestly, I feel​ like this is something in life that​ I just need to come to terms with and live with, like most other things you just can't avoid. If I can't fix what's been wrong for 17 years, then I've just got to accept it. I know there's no transition here, but what can you really do? It's​ just me rambling for an extended tangent. If you found this entertaining, I hope you stick around for more. Other than that, it's just sort of my own thing. Oh well, whatever then.