Painted Crowns (on hold)

(8) Confessional of Stars

And so, we drink. A lot.

Clearly, my tolerance is much higher than both Vinny and Marnie put together, because I'm still coherent enough to experience all of this with minimal fuzziness. We sit on the hood of Marnie's Volkswagen Beetle, propping our feet up on the metal front to keep from sliding off in a tipsy spin. It seems that there was at least one thing that changed about The Drop. They added a bar. Vinny's absolutely going to get fired for this. None of us are old enough to buy replacements. Especially not Vinny. He's still in high school, the poor thing.

"You know, we shouldn't have to be drunk to have this conversation," I note and swish the contents of my bottle around. I'm drinking beer now, but only because Marnie is hogging the vodka.

"We shouldn't, but we can't." Marnie adds. She's curled up in Vinny's lap, and he has one protective arm wrapped around her back. "So here we are."

"And it sucks."

"It sucks so hard."

"Is that what you meant to say?"

"I think so?"

"I don't think so."

"Whatever."

Vinny is completely oblivious to our conversation. He's half asleep, resting his head on top of Marnie's with a dazed and unfocused gaze out into the parking lot. I could wave my hand in front of his face and he wouldn't even flinch. Alcohol and exhaustion are an odd combination, but then again, he stopped drinking maybe two hours ago. It's  just been me and Marnie going to town.

"Why did she want to see me, Marnie?" I ask quietly, leaning back on the windshield and staring at the stars. "Of all people, why me?"

"Trust me, I asked myself that too." Marnie chuckles. "I mean, fuck, I didn't want to see you...but she was always nicer than me."

"She was nicer than all of us. Except maybe Luca." I shrug.

"She used to tell me she hoped you got help. The anger, or whatever."

The anger. Did she know there was more to it? That I wasn't just angry that day. I was filled with inexplicable rage, and suddenly, June wasn't a person anymore.

Marnie persists, "well did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Get help."

"I tried. It didn't work."

"So what, you still go around randomly attacking people?" Marnie asks, a drunken smile playing her smudged red lips. "That's fucked up."

I shake my head and sigh. Why am I numb to this conversation? Why can I do this with Marnie and not Luca? Is it because Luca is trying to learn to protect me tomorrow? I should be angry like I was then, but it seems there's something to late night conversation that makes you not give a shit anymore.

"Shut up."

"Seriously though, what did it feel like?"

"What kind of fucked up question is that?"

"I want to know what it felt like when you hurt your best friend. I want to know if you felt what you should have felt."

What I should have felt? I should have felt guilt. Regret. Embarrassed. All the things I feel now as I think back on every single second of that day.

"I felt nothing."

"You felt nothing?" Marnie says blandly.

"Absolutely nothing."

"You're a monster." She mumbles to herself and sips from the bottle again.

Suddenly, I begin to laugh. I completely agree, Marnie. I think I just understood why I can talk to her about this stuff and not Luca, Miss Avery, and everyone else. It's because Marnie already hates me. I have no reason to worry about her abandoning me, or suddenly turning on me when she finds out the truth. It's actually kind of nice to have someone hate me like that.

"I hate you, Levy."

"I hate you too, Marnie."

Somehow, that feels like it means more than anything else she's ever told me.

"She laid in that hospital bed for months," Marnie explains suddenly. "I saw her everyday. She laid in that bed, in so much pain that she couldn't move some days...and all she wanted was to know how you were doing. I was there for her every single fucking day, helping her with anything she needed, and she didn't want me. She wanted you. What kind of fucked up shit is that?"

"I don't get it either."

June wanted to see me, and I wanted to see her. I want to see her, and laugh like we're suffocating, and cry like long lost lovers. I should have apologized, I should have visited, I should have told her I got help and that I never meant to hurt her.

I stare up at the stars, slowly disappearing as clouds separate us, and reuniting us as they pass. I always wondered why we thought Heaven and all of its other variations were up in the sky. If she's up there, looking down with some newfound omniscience, does she know why I did what I did? Does she know every thought I've ever had? Everything I've ever felt? 

And if she isn't up there, and instead inhabits some new form, what would she be? Reincarnation might not be a bad deal, if you get a say in what you become, but I guess that's a privilege for the saints. Maybe she'd be a rabbit, hopping around in town chewing on clover, or a bird, soaring far out of this town. She'd get to see New York if she was a bird.

I can't help but search the stars. Maybe if I look beyond the shining beacons and into the darker depths, I'll see her up there shaking hands with Abe Lincoln or cuddling her old dog Jenna again. Or, maybe I'll just stare deep into the void so far I won't be able to pull myself out. I could just disappear into it all, or get so lost in my mind that coming back to reality has no appeal. That's probably unhealthy, but that thought doesn't scare me. It should though, shouldn't it? 

"I'm gonna puke," Marnie suddenly says and lurches forward. She pulls out of Vinny's arms and scrambles over to the grass on the other side of the parking lot. Vinny fell asleep a while ago, so that leaves me to rescue his damsel in distress. I don't have anything to wash out with, or any honest way to help, so I just stay on the car and block out her gagging. 

Tomorrow, I have to be physically functioning and emotionally numb. That's the only way I'm going to get through it, I think. I get to leave with my parents and go on mourning in peace. 

Though somehow, I don't think that's how this is going to go.