I FEEL HOW COLD IT CAN GET.

TO BE HELD.

on the night you left i felt like i was underwater. not drowning. just underwater, watching everything move in smooth, slow motion ripples. you felt lighter, my soul felt lighter like there was some weight being lifted off. but the water plays tricks on you. everything isn't where you see it, you can't hear underwater, you can't scream underwater. so yeah. on the night you left i felt like i was underwater because all i could do was float facedown while my heart slowly broke, scattering upstream. and there was no one there to save me, none that i could hear of.

you took everything from me, you stole my eyes for nothing looked as beautiful as you ever again, you took my voice for i would never be able to speak your name without that familiar lump swelling up in the back of my throat, you took my ears for you would never call me baby and whisper sweet things to me again and you took my heart. you took my dignity because now i can't step outside without seeing someone with the same dumb sweater you owned and fall apart in two seconds, sobbing on the pavement until someone has to help me, the whole city has seen me weep for you, the whole river is my tears alone now.

once upon a time, you thought you'd save me. you were my lifeguard and you'd pull me out of the black, stormy waters over and over again. you'd hold me and tell me to breathe and be my blanket. you laughed and you loved and you were there and you were mine. i thought you were my lifeguard, but you turned out to be an anchor, sinking me deeper into the waters than ever before.

you used to hold me. you'd let me feel like the little one who needed protection and you would hold me until i felt safe. a stranger holds me tonight. i'm thinking of you while they snore behind me, keeping me warm. and i think, do you ever miss this? holding me, loving me? kissing me and fucking me? if you do, i feel sorry for you, because you burnt that bridge years ago and now all that remains is a deadly tide within me, one that not even your soft touch can tame. you let me become the ocean you swore you'd save me from and i will drown you if you ever try to come back, even if i want you back, and believe me, my dear, sometimes i do.

but on the night you come back into my bed, you'll find yourself underwater, drowning.