I beat myself up over the fact that I gave in. I was too soft. All she would do is walk all over me like she had done so many times. I started to cry myself to sleep, again. I used to over the fact that I would never get to date my best guy friend, James. This time it was a different reason. A more hurtful reason. I wanted to start cutting. I couldnt take away the pain on my own, so why not take away the emotional pain with some physical pain. I never did cut. Later in the year, I would promise myself that I would cut in high school if it was worse than what it was now.
One night I couldnt take away the pain. I tried crying but that only made it worse, so I emailed a friend. I want to cut. Was all I could send without writing five paragraphs about why and everything that had happened.
What I got back from Elizabeth was only You cut, too? I was so surprised. She was always so happy and uplifting, but then again, I used to be that way too.
No, but I want to badly. I replied. I did. I did want to cut. It was the most pain that I had ever felt since I started being sad. It started hurting physically. My wrists were getting irritated and I would just keep rubbing and scratching at them wanting the hurt and irritation to go away.
Oh well, dont it's bad I found it interesting that she was being hypocritical. Telling me to not cut, but having done it herself and still doing it.
Oh ok... I replied. I started getting worried about Elizabeth. She was one of my closet friends in my class besides Anna and she was cutting. Screw my problems, I needed to make sure she was OK.
I decided to forward the email to some close friends of ours, James, Sydney, and Theresa. I didnt quite like telling Sydney because of how protective she was over Elizabeth. She wouldnt let me hang out with her if Anna was around, then again she didnt like Anna. I ended up taking out the part that said "I want to cut" to see if they would notice how the conversation started, to see if they cared enough to notice that I was in pain.
No one really did notice and I wanted to see if they cared so I pointed out that Elizabeth had said "You cut, too?"
James: You cut?!?!???!!
Me: No, but I want to.
James: Oh, if you ever need to talk, Im here.
Me: OK. Thanks :) I was already crying, but knowing that someone cared then made me realize that I would be missed if I commit. Yea, I was thinking of suicide at the age of twelve because of some stupid eighth grader.
Sydney nor Theresa ever replied. James and I made our own conversation and I ended up telling him what was wrong. I had a friend besides Anna, that cared. I felt loved.
(A/N:
I know I should put the next chapter and this one together but because Im not completely sure how long the book will be, I want to stretch it out as much as possible.
YEESSSS. If you read Mistakes, this is apart of chapter 15! Im really happy that I got to rewrite the chapter in a different perspective but in the same person. In Mistakes, it was about the love Alice had towards James, in here I wrote only about Alice's sadness. Please tell me your opinions on that idea and if I should do more things like that!
I love you guys, BAI Xx. ~Tara)
