Toxic

chapter 1

My dreams are happier than I feel when I wake up. I dream about what I used to be like. When I was happier. I used to be tough and never cried. I looked at the glass as half full instead of half empty. In fact I felt like a full glass. The doctors don't completely know what happened to me or when but all I know is I'm empty.

"N.S.?" I was awoken by the piercing sound of my dad's voice. I was again dreaming of who I was before March 28th. "Come on honey, you have to wake up now. You have an appointment at 10:00 this morning."

"What? No I had an appointment yesterday."

"Come on! Here," he hands me a cranberry muffin and a bowl holding my four pills, "Eat and take these."

"No." I don't really know why but I refuse to take my meds. They say it will help me and make me feel better. But I don't buy it. The way I see it is, Big pill Industry makes millions by either dishing out capsules that do nothing at all or, dishing out capsules that wack you up.

"Fine. but you have to eat. I'll go make you a smoothie." I nod as he walks. They think I don't know that they crush up my pills into my food. He came back in with a pink colored drink and handed it to me expressionless. "Get ready. The last thing you would want to do is upset your mother." He said as he approached the door. I noticed how incredibly tired he looked. His eyes were more sunken in than usual and along with his humongus dark circles, I saw more wrinkles than I thought he had. I couldn't help but feel guilt because I knew that his quick aging and exhaustion were because of me. Day and night my family waits on me and I'm always so bitter. But I can't help it. And they know it. They have to.

After I finish drinking my smoothie and change out of my sweatpants and into some shorts, I walk into the kitchen where my mom is busily cleaning and cooking. "Oh. Hi hon. Sorry you missed the last pancake. Go ahead and brush your hair and teeth I'll be done in a sec'."

"Fine." I say. I have good days and bad days. Days where I feel like waking up and going out of the house and seeing my friends. Some days I feel so sad that I feel like I'm being suffocated or that I'm drowning. Other days i just feel angry and enraged. Today was a bad day so far. I woke up and felt like I was invisible which is what I look for in a bad day. I went to the bathroom and ran the water in the sink. When I first started taking my meds' the doctors were afraid the side effects would cause me some self-harming thoughts. So they told my parents to Nell proof the house. More like baby proof the house. Well that means I get no phone, no T.V., no hot water except for warm water in the shower, no friends over, and I can't leave the house unless I have taken my pills. When I finished up in the bathroom, I headed out to the car. My mom and my dad were already sitting in the front seats of the car.

" I could drive you know?" I say. That go there attention.

'Uh- I..." my dad tries to speak but his tongue is tied.

"Sawyer," my mom begins, "It might be best if your father just drove hon. Because well- uh, we're already running late."

" So I'll just drive faster." I say. I don't even really want to drive. I just want to tease my parents and make them angry.

" No Nell." my dad says quietly.

We arrive at the clinic. It's painted a warm chocolate color and has an unfriendly prison look to it and it's almost like one inside. Sometimes when kids need all-round care, they keep them in the facility and help them "heal". Other kids like me get the chance to heal at home. Lucky us! But before I was cleared as stable, I was in the clinic "healing." And I don't know how much they help, considering the doctors say my progression is slower than normal. I go to a lot of specialists, I have one doctor who tells my parents my progress and tells them how to speed up the long drive to normality.