Alone

The Real Me

People aways ask " Are you okay?" or " How do you feel?" Of course the answer is aways "Yes" or "Good" but the truth is I feel alone. There's this empty feeling I have and I don't know how to fix it. It makes me feel like I'm a nobody and that no one cares. I always act happy as my way of putting up a shield so no one can see the real me! 

Well, if I'm going to tell you my story I might as well start at the beginning... When I found out I was a mistake: So my mom told me that she didn't "plan" to have me of course she didn't me a mistake she's my mom. Anyway, I took it pretty well but the feeling of not being "wanted" was always there and it always knocking at the door when I felt alone. I always joke about with my mom and it upsets her for me to say things like that but hey...they're true. 

*fast forward*

Last summer! The Summer of 2016. I had a crush an actual crush I told her of course and then it turned out that she was transgender and preferred girls with her being a close friend I was happy that she had come out to me but was upset that we didn't have anything going for us other than being friends. With her coming out we talked about moving to California this summer was also the first time I questioned my sexuality. I questioned if I was gay! (keep reading and you might find out my sexual orientation!) Don't get me wrong last summer was pretty fun but it then I had that thought the thought about ending it all. Yep, it's true I thought about killing myself, which is the reason Thirteen Reasons Why was so hard for me to watch. So after I thought about it I pushed it to the back of my mind... then this friend and I had an emotional break- through I told her about the death of my grandfather and that I was struggling with my sexuality now I just feel like she uses it against me you know. Over the summer our friendship was pretty great, but as she started to come out more she changed... A LOT she turned into a real bitch, and we remained friends and I love him like a my littler brother but and we aren't as close anymore.

Freshman Year!: 

Freshman year started off pretty sad with the death of a friend but we all managed to pull through somehow! I still struggled with my sexuality until I met this amazing guy on Instagram we talked for weeks and I found out that he when to the same school as me! Of course we never spoke to each other but we always talked online. We made plans to meet of over the course of one week. I told him that I liked him but he said that he didn't feel like dating anyone right now so I respected his wishes. He's a real inspiration to me and I wish I could tell him how I really feel but I'm afraid, I'm afraid of being rejected the thought of him saying that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do towards him is heartbreaking. Anyway, all of my friends started dating someone so imagine how it felt to the the only one without a soulmate! Pretty Heartrending.

( This is the paragraph that tells how I feel about the guy)

The guy and I are friends matter of fact he's like my best friend. As I told you before I like him, he makes me really happy, but as we talked my feelings grew and now I think I really like him, but I know he doesn't feel the same so... I don't know what to do. I wish I could tell him how I feel but i'm scared of his answer like I said I already know he doesn't like me. If I told him I don't think he would still want to be friends, but there is a bright side... he's going away soon so that means once he leaves my feelings will go away.

Now

I feel empty like there's nothing inside of me and I don't know how to deal with that feeling. My dreams scare me people die because of my decisions in my dreams I don't talk about them mostly because I forget as soon as I wake up. I try telling people about my aloneness but all they say is that I mean a lot to them but I yet to see them prove that I mean a lot to them. I love my life I really do but I sometimes feel that if my life stopped people would be happier!

So this is my story I hope you enjoy! If you have any questions please comment and I will respond ASAP!!!!!