Hi. I'm Charlotte. Usually people call me Char, but you can call me whatever you prefer I don't mind.
Anyway this is my story. Enjoy.
Have you ever felt like you need to apologize for being so ugly? I have. Being in a school surrounded by such gorgeous girls can give anybody self image problems.
But I'm not the typical girl who only hates her thighs or the girl who simply hates her nose. I hate everything about my being. I hate me. I never used to feel this way. I used to be confident and always cracking jokes, now I'm too scared to even be near a group of people in case they judge the way I look or try to speak to me.
I feel ashamed at what I've become, like I've dissapointed myself, my parents and God. I can't carry on like this anymore. I decided to write this story to speak out and be heard.
My life was turned upside down in year 8 when I was 13 years old. I was in French class and some boys thought it would be funny to make up a rumour about me, rumours that would continue to shadow my life, even to this day. It got pretty bad. I had people shouting at me in the corridor, making fun of me in class and even people I had never spoken to before disliked and judged me. This is, I can vaguely remember, when my depression first started.
The bullying continued until year 9. It caused me to isolate myself from my friends and I developed acute paranoia. Eventually I separated all together from my friends and fell even deeper into depression. I can still remember how dark it was and how cold and alone I felt.
One evening when I was on the internet, I came across a self harm website. It was full of girls like me, who hated themselves. I remember feeling so drawn into this idea of self harm that one day after a traumatic day at school, I broke my pencil sharpener, and dragged the blade across my wrist. The pain was agonizing, but I felt such a sense of relief that overthrew the surge of pain. Suddenly this became a regular routine. If I had a bad day I would come home and cut. It was a vicious circle that I struggled to climb out of.
Around this time, I had developed a major crush on a guy called Brad. I have no idea why I liked him, but I was instantly attracted to him.
It was in summer that I first saw him in the company of another girl. Unlike me she was beautiful and had an amazing figure. As I stared jealously at her, the thoughts came flowing into my brain.
'Maybe if you were skinny he'd like you'.
'How could anybody love a fat person like you'.
That was the day I decided to stop eating. First I started restricting snacks, then lunch and then breakfast too. I was surving on only a 500 calorie dinner. In one week I had lost 5lbs. I was becoming too tired to do anything. However, estranging yourself from food is so extremely hard, that I would starve myself all day and binge when I got home. This often led to being horribly sick in the night due to what I had put my stomach and body through.
Looking at me now, its hard to believe that I suffered from eating problems...and that I still do. I'm not thin with a thigh gap and piercing hip bones. However to me this is proof that what you see on the outside may not be true to what is on the inside.
1 year later and I am now 15 years old. Nothing has changed. I still struggle with self harm and eating problems. I still struggle with bullying from class 'mates'. Only now there are new rumours surfacing. These ones involve Bradley...
Okay so way back in November, me and Brad became friends. We used to laugh and talk in class and even chat on messaging sites. I felt so happy to finally have him notice me, that I would do anything for him to want me.
One evening we were talking and suggested meeting up. Somehow those conversations developed into more. We talked about meeting and doing intimate things to 'try it out'. At first I was wary but agreed anyway just so I could keep him talking to me.
The first time we met was in the woods near our school, classy I know! We spent several hours together.
That night when I was home, I couldn't help but think about the time we had spent together and how I didn't want it to end. From then on, I thought that if I continued to meet up with him and promise him favours, then maybe he would slowly start to like me.
We only met up a second time. It was waaaay better than the first. I found out so much about him and his family and his life. I was so happy that I couldn't help but tell my friends. Big mistake...
The girl who I thought was my friend told Brad that she knew EVERYTHING. He cut off all contact with me and denied all accusations about the time he spent with me. He even called me a liar. People believed him.
My life from then on, slowly started to fall apart. I broke up with all of my friends, sunk back into depression and self harm and ate to numb the pain. I gained 8lbs.
Everybody who knew about the whole situation, of course had their own opinions on it.
'Brad lowered his standards for her'.
'I would say it never happened with someone like you if I were him'.
They made comments about my weight, my looks, and even brought up the old rumours from year 8.
Everyday now when I walk through the corridors, I can feel myself being judged and hated. In class people shout abuse about me. Nobody talks to me anymore. My name is now 'slut' and 'liar'.
Its come to the point where I don't even want to speak to anybody anymore. I just sit there in class not saying a word to anybody, praying everyone will just ignore my existence.
I just want everyone to leave me alone. I made a mistake and I'm not proud of it. I hate my life so much now. I hate myself and my body so much that I still continue to cut and starve it.
Everyday I plan my suicide. For a 15 year old this is not normal. I have my whole life ahead of me to be happy about. But I just want to die. I see no point in my life anymore. I'm sick of being an outcast.
This can't be right to bully and torment somebody to the point where they want to take their own life. How can this be right?
Nobody chooses to look the way they do so don't judge them because of it.
Don't bully anyone because you don't know what they've been through or what they're going through.
I hate society so much.
If you go to my school or know who I am, now you really do know my story. Now you know about everything you've put me through and what you still do put me through.
I've tried to fit in and to be nice and kind to everybody. But apparently its not enough.
( I rambled abit at the end oops )
