The silence that killed me

The silence killed me ...or did it ?

Hello, my name is skye and I'm going to tell you why my life ended .Your probably thinking that ending your life is selfish and I understand your thinking , but will you think the same for me after I tell you my story ...? I will tell you everything about my life ..about my hell. It all started when I was 4 years old , or I guess you could say when I was old enough to remember things . I had a brother, sister , mother, and grandmother. Your probably wondering ...why not dad? Well ..my dad was never in my life . I never met him, or anything like that . I heard of his name but that's probably a lie too. My sister was like my best friend ..we did everything together ...we laughed , and made memories, but we never cried ...why ? Because we never understood what was wrong with our family and here I am now ...looking back on my past and now we understand what was wrong ....everything.
      My brother was a simple kid who liked to play video games and hang with friends . Of course I had my friends but they never came around my house . Now that I think about it ...I wouldn't have either . This place was hell. Watching these terrible moments pass was hell. I now wonder why no one helped us , but the answer is simple ... we had no one .
      My mother was ....evil. She was the worst person you could ever meet in your life ...there wasn't one time she didn't raise her hand and hit us ...not one time . It's actually quite sad now that I'm saying it out loud . There wasn't one good memory I had of her . Not even one. I remember this day like it was yesterday.....I asked my mother if I could go to the park ..or maybe she could take us ...but no . She looked at me with the most evil and cold stare I've ever seen...the first actually . She put her hands on my neck and started squeezing real hard. I asked her to stop , but she kept going. She then took my sister and I and threw  us on the hard wood floor. I remember her laying on top of me . I screamed in pain , and begged her to stop, but I only remember laughter . My vision became blurry from all the tears . I became dizzy and the next thing you know...my whole world went black.  The next day ....the same thing ...locked in cellars , starved, cursed at , abused verbally, physically, and mentally. I went through this everyday for nine years . Sometimes she would even let her guy friends touch me and watch me take a shower . I felt powerless. She would force my grandmother to walk around the yard with just a bra until her legs gave out . I begged her to stop ...but she just hit me ...over and over again. My sister had to run to the neighbors to get help and to call the police . (Need remind you, we are twins and only around the age of 6 at the time) My grandma raised my sister , brother , and me for the "rest" of my life . I love my grandmother...I do . It just felt like things weren't right . I was changing. I felt like I was going numb to all feelings.  I turned thirteen in March, but I still felt ...numb . I didn't want to do anything . I just wanted to cry , I couldn't even cry because of how much I was hurting in the inside .
       My aunt Lisa had gotten custody and let's just say ...it was the worse thing that has ever happened to me. I thought things would change . Now that I was thirteen things should have changed . No. Nothing changed ...it was worse to be honest . It was like hell and I mean hell. She was worse then my mother ...she laughed when we were sad or mad . She never said "i love you". She never allowed us to hang out with our friends , and before you wonder ...no this is not an over reaction. This was all reality . She was terrible . She was evil. When I say evil..I mean EVIL. She yelled at us constantly. She blamed us for everything. She always said "you are just like your mother ". In reality, she's just like our mother but worse . She doesn't know that and probably never will. She's full of herself . Everything has to be her way. She doesn't love us . She hates us . She said she doesn't feel sorry for what happened it us and she even admitted it . I feel nothing for her . I hate her , I hate her , I hate her!
         She expected to much from me . She wanted me to be perfect. She wanted me to be better . I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. I'm sorry that I couldn't be better ! I'm sorry ! Did the silence kill me ?! Did it?! NO! They did! There words did! Especially....their expectations.
        I am thirteen...I have suicidal thoughts . I tried to commit suicide multiple times. Many different ways too. I used to think that when I get older I would be hanging out with friends but who would've thought that a girl like me ...could hurt herself . That she would be sitting in the bathroom floor at 2:00 a.m wondering if taking her life is the right choice....?
       I didn't think I would be suicidal...I didn't think that life would be a bitch and become depressing! I tried to overdose ...I took multiple pills , but I'm still here . I tied myself to a ceiling fan and started to lose air and consciousness but I'm still here. I tried to stop cutting but one day I cut vertically, and I bled a lot but I'm still here! Why? Why am I still here...no one loves me ...or so I thought .
       Brian ...I love him with everything in me . Not because he's hot or cute . I love him for him. He's real. He's been through a lot of shit and somehow he's the only one who listens and the only one who truly understands me. I love him and he loves me . I met him in fourth grade but we never talked . We only glanced here and there . About 3 years later , I saw him once again . We started to hang out and really become friends . We laughed and ate lunch together . Then one day I made some girl friends and he made some guy friends , so we kind of went our "own way". I didn't forget about him but I never really thought of him that much to be honest .
        A couple of months later ... we spoke again. It wasn't awkward but it felt different.  I met his friends and then I met one particular friend of his that I've known for 2 years . His name was David . He was funny and of course a little wreck less like all of us . David came up to me one day and said the exact words , "Chloe, Brian is to much of a bitch to come over here , but he wants to know if you will go out with him?" Of course I said yes because little did he know ....I liked him.
        About 2 days later , I thought is was time to tell Brian about my past. Of course he didn't judge and I'm very thankful to have him in my life ...he is my life . He then told me about his life and how crazy it was and we had a lot in common . Good and bad actually.  From there on we have had each other's backs and we are truly in love till this day . I told him how I was suicidal and there was times where I tried to kill my self but because he was there for me ... I didn't . We have been through hell together and that is why we love each other. Because i helped him through tough times and he helped me. His friends were my friends , but also my family . We are still really great friends till this day . We do stupid shit like jump off of roofs , and go swimming in people's pools . It's been a crazy ride with all of these amazing people and there are so many more memories to come.