To Finally Feel Nothing

I figured if I began now it would all make sense but I have come to realize that it never does. Monotony has gotten the better of me and I don't know why. Have I ever felt truly alive? Why does it feel normal to imagine my own ending when to imagine someone else's end causes me pain? Why can't I make a difference?

Why does happiness spark within me, the light dying by the blink of an eye before I can begin to try and bask in its glow? This still image I see instils heart break because what I do know is that something's wrong.

Apathy. Anxiously a casualty of catastrophe that could have been prevented if I hadn't been  blinded by mindless self ruin. Apathy, to finally feel nothing after all this time of barely feeling anything.

A bone breaks and protrudes through torn flesh and I scream until my lungs implode. All I can hear is silence, all I can see is darkness, and all I can feel is nothing.

Colour fades, not because you let it but because you lose control. Sanity fades in the same way. Who is to say sanity even exists? I want to feel normal again but how can I? Who is to say normal exists? On second thought, I beckon you to ask yourself the same thing time and again because I have come to realize that nothing can ever be the same. Only pain surfaces when I cling to what used to be.

Can I care to call crushed inner character to the stage when corrosion kills the remaining commendable qualities it still contains? No, it would't save me from the invisible poison.

There is always a bright side but I haven't had the right person focus my uncertain gaze from its daze and into the light. I want to raise my eyes from the maze they always trap themselves in but the walkways surrounded by metal bars betray any interest I ever had in my day-to-day living.

Lately I've been dreaming of my death, screaming because I don't know how to prevent it. I awake, smile on my face because I worried I would die in my mind and yet I survived and maybe that truly meant something.

Out of focus I hadn't noticed what was closest to my wasting heart.

Maybe I just needed a person to hand me the tools required to break through the apathy that was burying me alive. To thrive I needed to contrive my survival but not alone. I had to have help from someone who knew hell but also knew how to smile after all was set in stone. I am a fucking fool for having a perfect soul with me this entire time who wanted nothing more than to support me.

Hope exists behind a locked door, bolted actually, tallies marked for each time I tried to break it down, breaking down my damned thoughts. Knowing you can survive and actually making it out alive are carved into my flesh and brain because I know I'm caught in the in between.

Initially finality could not come soon enough but after being here, finality feels so far away because I want to stay here with you. Here I am, near to you, fear's not felt, tears in my eyes. I want the pain to falter and just this once it does.

Now I can understand how you view this picture and I can see it has colour and light and it gives me a reason to fight away the splitting headache I get from my everyday routines. Breaking the pattern might just be able to fix me and I know for a fact that I can't do it without you, so please just stay and ease my suffering. I want to start my heart over again, with you here with me.