The X-Men Chili Cook Off
By: Nerdybirdy55
Warnings: A ton of swearing because of Logan whoops
Word count: 1535
A/n: Timeline doesn't add up and it makes no sense whatsoever, but who cares it's a fanfic.
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The X-Men Chili Cook Off. It happened every year, at the end of May. This year was the fourth Chili Cook Off and Charles was determined to win. Last year Emma Frost had won first place, leaving him in second place. He vowed last year that it would never happen again.
He had spent the past five months PERFECTING his chili recipe. It was hot and spicy, but not too spicy. It was just right. He had set up his chili stand last night, as had everyone else, and he had his ingredients ready on the table behind the stand. He was fully prepared, and all he had to do was wait for the other contestants to prepare their stations as well.
This year's judge was Logan. He was the mutant equivalent of Gordon Ramsay, and he gave no fucks. He stalked around the area of land (where everyone was set up) and took note of all of the contestants. Those participating included Charles (of course) Laura Kinney, Alex Summers, Jean Grey, Hank McCoy, Peter Maximoff, Ororo Munroe, Kurt Wagner, Wade Wilson, Kitty Pryde, Raven, Jubilee, Emma Frost (Charles mentally hoped that she would ruin her chili), and... Erik Lehnsherr.
That made Charles do a double take. Erik? He would have never guessed that Erik would participate in this year's chili cook off. He had never participated before. Charles stared at him, and Erik, sensing his gaze, glanced up and met Charles' eyes. They stared at each other for a moment before Charles looked away, flustered. He hoped that Erik's presence wouldn't throw him off his game. He took a deep breath and looked towards Logan, who had blown a whistle to get everyone's attention.
"LISTEN UP YOU PANSIES. TODAY IS THE DAY YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, THE X-MEN CHILI COOK OFF. OF THE 14 PARTICIPANTS, ONLY ONE WILL WIN FIRST PLACE. EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE DEEMED A LOSER, THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. NOW, I'M THE JUDGE, AND I WILL DETERMINE WHO WINS AND WHO LOSES, CAPICHE?" He glanced around, waiting for the nods of acknowledgement. "OKAY, YOU ALL WILL HAVE 2 HOURS TO MAKE YOUR CHILI AND NOT A SECOND LONGER. IF YOUR CHILI IS NOT DONE BY THE TIME I SAY IT'S OVER, THEN YOU WILL BE DISQUALIFIED. AM I UNDERSTOOD??? GOOD. NOW, ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, COOK!!"
And with that, Charles was off. He chopped his tomatoes, peppers, and his onion before putting them into the crockpot he had. Then he cleaned his knife and began to slice his beef into small chunks. He sautéed the beef in a pan with a spoonful of garlic while he poured beef broth, water, and tomato sauce into the crock pot. After that, he mixed his spices, making sure to add extra cayenne pepper and put them into the crock pot, stirring his mixture with a wooden spoon. Once he was done sautéing his beef, he threw the chunks into the crock pot, before adding another chopped pepper into the mixture. He then put the lid onto the crock pot and let his amazing chili simmer.
As his chili was cooking, he glanced around at his competition. Laura had a chili pot as big as she was, and she had to stir her chili by running around the pot to move the wooden spoon. Wade was using an easy bake oven to make his chili, Kurt was making his in an old pot over a fire (it reminded Charles of a witch's cauldron), Jean was making her chili using her powers (Alex did the same), and Erik, well Erik was using a Crock-Pot like Charles. It was, of course, the best way to make chili. Erik smiled at Charles when he noticed him looking, before turning away to prep his sides for the chili.
After seeing Erik smile, he hadn't paid attention to the rest of his competition, he merely went back to doing his own thing. He had a giant green container out as well as the ingredients for his delicious mashed potatoes. He boiled his potatoes (which he had peeled earlier) and once they were don't he put them into his container and mashed them with a potato masher. He then added sour cream, cheese, and butter to the mix, and stirred it with the potato masher. He tasted it and smiled. It was perfect.
"30 MINUTES LEFT YOU DUMB FUCKS," Logan shouted. Charles was so startled that he nearly dropped his container of potatoes. He steadied it though, and breathed a sigh of relief. He put down his container and lifted the lid off is crock pot and sniffed the chili. It smelled divine. It only needed about 15 minutes, and then it would be done. He zoned out for a few minutes, dreaming of Erik's chili, before he shook his head. No, he shouldn't be thinking about Erik's chili, he should be thinking of his own chili. He glanced around, and saw everyone plating their chili. He was confused, they still had 30 minutes left.
'3 MINUTES LEFT YOU JACKASSES!" Logan yelled. Or not. Charles quickly got out his nicest bowl, filled it a quarter of the way with mashed potatoes, and poured his chili on top. He then sprinkled some shredded cheese on top. He stepped away from his masterpiece, just as Logan yelled, "IT'S OVER NOW, YOU NEED TO STEP AWAY FROM THE CHILI BOWLS!"
Ororo Munroe, Kurt Wagner, Kitty Pryde, Raven, Jubilee and Hank McCoy didn't step away fast enough for Logan's liking though. "YOU FUCKS ARE DISQUALIFIED. YOU STEP AWAY FROM YOUR CHILI WHEN I TELL YOU TO STEP AWAY, I DON'T CARE IF IT'S DONE OR NOT!" That meant six had already been disqualified.
Logan then went around, judging everyone's chili. He started with Jean. No words were needed as he spit the chili into her face. He flipped the table and moved on. Alex, terrified of Logan, ran off right as Logan reached his stand, thus eliminating himself from the competition.
He tasted Peter's next, and promptly said, "This is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life. What the hell did you put in this?"
"Paprika." Peter said, grabbing the paprika and handing it to Logan. Logan took it, studied it, and threw it on the ground.
"That's cayenne you dense fuck." He shook his head before he moved onto Wade.
To Wade, he said, "What the fuck is this?"
"Chili."
"No, it's roadkill in cement slop. What the hell did you make this in?
"My easy bake oven."
"Get the fuck out." Wade laughed loudly before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. Logan shook his head and continued walking around. He stopped in front of Emma Frost next. He tasted her chili and shook his head. He pulled out a photo of chili. "This is what chili is supposed to look like. Not whatever the hell this is," He said as he gestured towards her "chili".
Next up was Laura. He took a spoonful of chili and tried it. He then smiled at her. "It's delicious sweetheart." She smiled at him.
Next on the list was Erik. Logan looked at the chili and ate it. In response, he said, "It's okay. A little mild, but overall it's pretty good and you've paired it perfectly with the rice. Bravo." Erik smiled at him and Logan left. Finally, he stood in front of Charles. Charles handed him the bowl with a spoon and waited as Logan took the first bite of his chili.
"This," Logan said, gesturing with his spoon, "is the spiciest chili I've ever tasted, and I love it." Logan said. "But the potatoes ruin the entire dish so yeah." Logan put down the bowl.
"I HAVE MADE A DECISION. THE WINNER IS... LAURA KINNEY AKA MY AMAZING DAUGHTER. MY PURE CINNAMON ROLL, MY SMOL BEAN. LAURA YOU WIN SWEETHEART!" Logan yelled. He ran over to Laura and gave her the first place ribbon. Charles sighed, but clapped anyways. He was sad that he lost, but Laura was a great girl, so he was happy she won. It was better than Emma Frost winning.
Charles started to clean up his stand. He put away most of his stuff before he heard a cough from behind him. He whirled around and saw Erik standing there.
"May I try your chili?" Erik asked. Charles, dumbfounded, nodded and handed Erik a spoon. Erik took the spoon, filled it with chili, and ate it. And choked.
"That was the spiciest chili I've ever had in my life." Erik said, coughing before pulling a bottle of milk out of his pocket. "It's okay though, I have milk." He then downed the entire bottle of milk.
"That was hot." Charles said. Erik smirked.
"Thank you." Then, "You're as hot as your chili is Charles."
"Erik... That was gay as fuck."
"I know." Erik said.
Charles just laughed.
Wade, from a distance, yelled, "I SHIP IT!!"
